Crossword Help Forum
Forum Rules

Malone

I decided to take up your idea. I have made one of those placard-on-a-stick things with some materials I panic-bought few weeks ago. I have attached the Government advice to it rather than a message of doom. The stick is 6 foot long which will do I suppose and I can use it to ward off anyone coming too close. I am going out with it now. What can go wrong?

Jigjag,

Spendid! Let me know how you and your big stick get on. I was initially a little concerned as I have always abided by the '2 metre' distance, as advised by the authorities and that is longer than your six foot stick. I am relieved to say that the Gov.UK website isn't fully au fait with the metric system - the guidelines there say '2 metres (6 feet)'. Your stick is a multi-purpose tool - you can use it simply to display the advice, you can use it to measure the distance between you and any other person, and you can wave it about - very enthusiastically - to repel anyone who looks to be getting too close to you.

If the big stick doesn't work, maybe you could try the carrots approach?

Malone

I’m afraid it was a disaster. The placard and stick looked rather professional and my walk started well enough. Although I didn’t see any yachts, several people approached and read the advice from a safe distance. I had of course printed it in large letters.

But I soon found that I was attracting those that I sought to repel, particularly runners and dogs, and like Rosalind, I feel that my clean jeans might have been the problem. As you say, the stick was just long enough to fend off undesirables.

I’m afraid some passing cyclists told me, somewhat rudely, that I knew what I could do with my Government advice – the stick too. But when I was nearly home, a gust of wind detached the placard from the stick and blew it into a garden. As I retrieved it, I was approached by a growling dog and an even fiercer owner.

“We don’t want any religious nutters here, even if it is Easter” she said.

“But it’s not Easter until Sunday” I protested, but I know this is a futile argument and I beat a hasty retreat.

Jigjag

Poor you - all that thought, time and effort, for so very little reward. I was pleased that you'd printed the advice in large letters, but I certainly didn't expect you to come across so many runners with dogs. The passing cyclists were definitely rude, but they perhaps added some new, choice phrases to your vocabulary?

I'm delighted you made it home safely - eventually. I think the fierce owner of the fierce dog might have been one of those people who refer to the whole weekend as Easter? I do remember there being heated discussion last year, here on the Forum, about shops (and newspapers too, I think) referring to 'Easter Saturday' - a definite 'no-no' apparently.

Malone

Yes I could not repeat the language here, or anywhere else for that matter. You are right about the ferocious dog owner. I'm sure I heard her mutter something about her Easter weekend being ruined, but I didn't want to upset her any more by saying that Easter actually involves two week-ends.

You are right about carrots. People need an incentive to follow the rules but real carrots are too precious. Perhaps you can suggest an alternative?

Malone & Jigjag

I suspect people may be more tempted by carats - no doubt you both received your Maundy money through the post?

Tyke, Malone

I dont think I qualify - on age or any other grounds. I dont think Malone does either. Does it go to vulnerable people?

I like your carat idea. People seem to think they are valuable and putting a few on the stick might attract some interest.

I have been surprised that the multi-purpose stick idea has not caught on here. A similar idea that I saw was a stick to enable people to take photos of themseves - I think it was called a selfish stick, whick seemed an appropriate name. They became very popular but were a nuisance.

The prototype of my stick was not a success, but I have been working on it today. The latest model bears graduations so people can check the distance. I might take it out later, after adding the carats.

Jigjag,

My Saturday has been very lazy compared to yours. It's good that you have got so engrossed in your stick project and have been working on those modifications and enhancements. Maybe your 'Carat AND Stick' will be the definitive, effective version.

I loved your selfish stick report. I'd forgotten about those dratted things and I hope they don't return to our streets when 'all this' is over.

Tyke,

There was no sign of Maundy money, thank goodness. I'm delighted that I'm still far too young to be classed as an 'elderly recipient'.

Malone

At 69 I think I might just about qualify for`elderly` status but my lack of faith seems to prevent me becoming a`recipient` .

Jigjag

Good look with your `carat and stick` approach - I think I`ll stick with doing laps of the ( dog & jogger - free ) back garden.

Malone, Tyke

I was pleased when Tyke mentioned the carat idea. I could not remember what one was, but found it weighed 0.00643 Troy ounces, a proper Imperial weight we all understand.

I found 9 gold drawing-pins which weighed the same and used a nice carrot shape to attach the advice to the board. The final version is a very attractive model and I think it will sell well. It attracted a lot of interest and one woman said she would buy one as she liked 9 carrot gold. But I had the misfortune to encounter the same group of cyclists who were so rude the previous day.

“I get it – carat, stick and donkey” said one, which they all seemed to find funny for some reason.

I contacted the Dragons Den producer to tell him about the multi-purpose invention, and he thought there would be interest from some dragons who like to keep their distance from the others, crisis or not. I suggested we would like a six-figure sum for 25% of the business, and a retail price of £9.99. We have been short-listed for the next series, but I am not sure I want to appear on television.