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Jigjag

I'm quite happy for you to remain contented in your own version of the real world. In fact, I like my mental picture of you pottering around the house, giving the mobile a little swing as you pass through on your way to the kitchen to switch on the wireless. I know you often have breakfast out (five items, nine items....), so I can see you jumping into your motor, parking near the market and nipping into the Post Office to send off a telegram or two before tucking into your full English.

Malone

You have described me perfectly, except that when I go to the market (or M&S) it is by bus or to football by train. For other things it is the car.

malone

You question intrigues me, but yes, I am quite musical, piano, flute, clarinet, sax, and some strings. None to a high standard.

Grunger,

After your stellar performance in Wigan, you may have got a real taste for treading the boards. I was reading a copy of 'The Stage' earlier today and I spotted a job that might be ideal for you. The role is 'The Pie Piper', and if you can do a turn on the bagpipes, I'm sure the job could be yours. Your knowledge of pies is exceptional, and it'd be good to do something with it. I think the job involves you leading people (children perhaps?) through the streets, with pie stops along the way.

PS Other versions of this post existed in bygone times. There was a poem about a Pied Piper, his purposes were more nefarious. There was also a Scottish variation, The Pie-Eyed Piper, just a drunken man in a kilt, playing bagpipes exceedingly badly.

Jigjag

Great to hear that my mental picture was reasonably accurate. I've always found it useful to go to markets or shops by bus - it limits the amount of shopping I buy, as there are limits to what I can carry. I hope you don't find yourself overladen after a trip to Ivor Napple.

Malone

Thanks for spotting the job opportunity for me. I would love to play the Pie Piper. I think the flute might be best. I have played it for children before but luckily they didn't follow me down the street. I have never tried the bagpipes but I wouldn't mind a go. It is such a strange instrument, all those pipes, when one should do.

I haven't got a kilt but I do have a tartan skirt which should be OK. I could take my toaster, as some Browning will be useful. I will try to get an audition.

Grunger

Good to see you embracing new job opportunities at the start of the new year. I'm afraid a flute won't be allowed - the role necessitates a bagpiper. I think it won't take you long to pick up the necessary skills, it looks a pretty simple instrument to me - four pipes and a bag, how complicated can it be?

Your tartan skirt will, I think, be fine - so long as it swooshes and swirls about as you stride along. I chuckled at the idea of you taking along the toaster, for Browning. I don't think you'll have a spare hand for that, so just leave it behind.

I wonder if Jigjag would like to fill the Pie-Eyed Piper slot? He seemed to have an awful lot of beer cans at one point, so could be the ideal candidate. I'll maybe send him a quick telegram, just to check. (My carrier pigeon's not well, so I'll resort to the slightly slower option.)

Malone

I am sorry but I cant accept the role. I used to play the bagpipes until I read that the definition of a gentleman is "a man who can play the bagpipes but doesn't". I have still got them though and will gladly lend them to Grunger to get some practice. I am happy to accompany her on any of my instruments, clarinet, oboe, piano or guitar.

Grunger

I can drop the bagpipes off when I pick up the engine oil on Tuesday.

I remember, but can't place "I brought my harp to the party, but no-one asked me to play"

malone

Pity about the flute and toaster. I will try to find some bagpipes this week. My skirt wont swoosh or swirl unfortunately, it is too short and tight for that. I will have to look for an alternative in my wardrobe.