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South African police admit having problems with drug dealers,thieves and sex fiends during the World Cup.They say things should improve when John Terry's family go home.

OXO are doing a new range of cubes.

It's white, with a red cross on each side.. called laughing stock.

Sex for pensioners



The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'


OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.



Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.



After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



So, as the couple pass, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

From the D.M.

IKEA USING GAS THAT MAKES YOU FORGET YOUR LAST VISIT.
Furniture giant Ikea is using memory-wiping gas to make customers forget how awful their visit has been, it was claimed yesterday.
Sources claim the company uses a scentless substance known as Skortl, administered at the checkout area, which obscures customers' recollection of the horrors they have just experienced in the seemingly endless labyrinth of cheap objects.

Shopper Bill McKay said: "The last time we went to Ikea, I had a cold, but I was determined that our living room would not be fit for human consumption until I had installed a beech-veneered fjrkntruupel.

"As the hours passed - with no sign of the fjrkntruupel or an exit - the trolley filled with increasingly unnecessary items selected through a weird mix of panic and self-doubt until eventually we began to turn on each other.

"I made a deliberately antagonistic comment to my wife about how I'd rather ram broken glass up my own arse than ever ever ever fucking ever do this again, and then she punched me really hard in the windpipe. Meanwhile our eight-year-old son Robert responded by stabbing her repeatedly in the thigh with one of the little pencils they give you.

"Yet no sooner had we left the building, bleeding and ragged, than my wife was talking happily about how we didn't really need another 47 bags of vanilla flavoured tea lights.

"It was then I remembered being sprayed in the face at the checkout by a yellow-shirted girl who laughed in our faces and called us 'dreadful, bovine twats'. Clearly they didn't count on my blocked sinuses."

A spokesman for Ikea said said the company was pleased to announce the opening of its first British stores and looked forward to introducing millions of customers to a new shopping experience.

Retail analyst Stephen Malley said: "Memory gas doesn't sound like the kind of thing Ikea would do, but then again I've never been there."

He added: "By the way, can I just ask you something - is your house completely full of tea lights?"

Why are all those people in South Africa making so much noise about blowing vulgar sailors?

I thought they were vulva sellers...

Maybe they're blowing Venezualans?

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the paper shop.

As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked...

"Son, can you tell me where the Post Office is?"

The little boy replied...

"Just go straight down this street and turn to your right."

Terry thanked the boy kindly and said...

"I'm the new vicar in town. I'd like you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle...







"Hey, come on. You don't even know the way to the f.....g Post Office."

There is a new study about women and how they feel about their arse. The results were pretty interesting:

30% of women think their arse is too fat ....

10% of women think their arse is too skinny....

The remaining 60% say they don't care, they love him, he's a good man, and they wouldn't trade him for the world.

I bought one of those books "how to improve your memory"------------I just wish I could remember where I put it