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JOHN Lewis has commissioned Billy Joel to write a beautiful, poignant song about engaged couples and their wedding lists.
The song will be the soundtrack to a new television advert which the company hopes will capture the essence of two young people with their whole lives ahead of them, going ape-shit mental with a barcode reader.

A spokesman said: "The advert will be a montage of a couple moving from drunken intercourse, to living together to getting engaged and excitedly telling their parents, before bouncing into John Lewis with a mad glint in their eyes and some drool running down their chins.

"It's really about the timeless and indefinable magic of people who have been shacked up for at least three years and want better and more expensive versions of all the stuff they've already got."

Meanwhile the company has released a draft of the Billy Joel song that will accompany images of a blissfully happy couple rampaging through the cookware department like a pair of Nazi stormtroopers:

They would like a new kettle
They would like a tagine
And a Dualit toaster that they'll keep nice and clean
And they've put all these things on a list you can see
They say it's much easier
But they're just greedy bastards to me

They would like a new duvet
They would like some good knives
They would like a Le Creuset that'll last their whole lives
But you'll spend twenty quid 'cause that's you to a T
They'll say it's the thought
But they're still greedy bastards to me

The move follows the store's Oscar-nominated advert about a woman who is ageing incredibly quickly but does seem to have a really nice fridge during her first pregnancy.

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: "Like all women, I loved that advert because it spoke to me in that special language of the heart that only women can understand.

"That said, when I did actually go into John Lewis I was slightly disappointed not to see lots of grandmothers and grand-daughters buying jam making kits."

She added: "Perhaps they should do an advert that captures the timeless and indefinable magic of a fat, middle-aged man looking for a new telly."

Holidays are such fun:-

SWIMMER TRAPPED BY BEACH BALLS.

A man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deckchair and found his testicles had become stuck between two slats of wood. Mario Visnjic had been swimming naked off Valalta beach in Croatia and his testicles had shrunk in the cool sea. When he sat down they slipped through the slats and, then as he lay in the sun, expanded back to normal size. He was freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deckchair in half.

Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM

Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls


Is there a medical distinction between Guts and Balls? We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is NO difference in the outcome.








Both result in death.

PEOPLE who own the out of date iPhone will be forced to sit at the back of the bus, it emerged last night.
New rules will mean that users of the iPhone 3G or 3GS must occupy the last four rows and if the bus is full and a new iPhone user gets on, the old iPhone user nearest to the door must give up their seat.

The regulations will also apply to municipal swimming pools, where old iPhone users will be allowed in for 20 minutes once a month, and their use of libraries and public lavatories will also be severely restricted.

Meanwhile, as the police warned they would not hestitate to use dogs and fire hoses to quell unrest, across Soho, bars and restaurants have placed signs in their windows stating 'version fours only' and 'no iPhone 3GS, no Irish'.

Wayne Hayes, founder of the exclusive private members' club, Prick House, said: "I just don't think that old and new iPhone owners should mix. It's not natural. They should have their own places.

"And I don't care what anyone says, they just don't have the same range of functions as we do."

But Julian Cook, manager of Ponce, the popular Dean Street wine bar, said: "We're not banning them completely. We've marked out a special area in the corner where they can all sit together and be served poor quality food.

"Perhaps when they see the new version owners laughing and being 24% thinner, it might encourage them to start acting like civilised human beings."

Experts say drug abuse and criminality are higher among out of date iPhone users, though there is debate over whether this is caused by old iPhone ownership or whether it is simply genetic.

Helen Archer, who has two cameras and can support high definition video, said: "I just can't have them around me. I don't feel safe. And they have a pungent odour."

But Stephen Malley, an outreach worker from Finsbury Park, said: "I spend a lot of my time working with people who have the 3GS and have forged some lasting friendships."

He added: "They're such wonderful dancers and they can run like the wind."

What if the Hokey Kokey is what it is all about?

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..



Here's how it goes..

' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Correct Grammar Is Vital

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until at least five years !!!"

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle...

NEW MEDICINES APPROVED BY THE FDA

Histalavista: Say bye-bye to those allergies.

Milk of Amnesia: Infant formula to help babies forget birth trauma.

Non-Interferon: Black market drug often slipped to unsuspecting in-laws.

Testsoteroni: A hormonal supplement eaten as pasta.

Aesthetominophen: You don't feel any better, but you look fabulous.

U-HU Aspirin: Half aspirin and half glue, for those splitting headaches.

Preparation H with Aspirin: Offers relief from people who are a pain in the posterior.

The England football team visited an orphanage near Capetown today.

"It was heartbreaking to see their little faces without any hope" said Jamel,aged 6.