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Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still alive. He said that the England Team performance on Sunday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

To ensure a heroes' welcome for the returning England squad and their manager, officials at the FA arranged for their flight from Johannesburg to be diverted to Glasgow.

Lawyer With a Heart

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He asked one man, 'Why are you eating grass?'
'We don't have any money for food,' the poor man replied. 'We have to eat grass.'

'Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I'll feed you,' the lawyer said.

'But sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.'

'Bring them along,' the lawyer replied.

Turning to the other poor man he stated, 'You come with us, also.'

The second man, in a pitiful voice, then said, 'But Sir, I also have a wife and SIX children with me!'

'Bring them all, as well,' the lawyer answered.

They all entered the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine was.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the lawyer and said, 'Sir, you are too kind.'
'Thank you for taking all of us with you.'

The lawyer replied, 'Glad to do it. You'll really love my place.


The grass is almost a foot high!'

what is the difference petween Cinderella & the England football team?
Cinderella wanted to get to the ball

When Fabio said he wanted to talk tactics the team thought he was talking about a new kind of peppermint

Heard a new song last night!!

In the jungle the south african jungle three lions sleep tonight,cause in the morning, the early morning they have to catch a flight,
a win away, a win away, a win away.....

These have just arrived by e-mail






Whats the difference between Cinderella and the England football team?

Cinderella wanted to get to the ball....


Osama bin Laden has just released a new TV message to prove he is still
alive. He said that the England Team performance on Saturday was completely
s**t. British intelligence have dismissed the claim, stating that the
message could have been recorded anytime in the last 44 years.

Robert Green - The only man to leave Africa with out catching anything .


In a statement from broadcasting house, all future England games will now
be shown on the gay porn channel. It is thought that 11 arseholes being
regularly shafted is too explicit for regular TV.


I can't believe we only managed a draw against a s**t team we should easily
have beaten......I'm ashamed to call myself Algerian.


The England team went to visit an orphanage in South Africa this morning,
"its so good to put a smile on the faces of people with no hope, constantly
struggling, and facing the impossible" said Jamal Omboto, aged 6.


Fifa have released a statement saying the fan didn't break into the
dressing room after all, but was let in by Rob Green.


What's the difference between Rob Green's spill and BP's spill?
- Robert Green has got a cap for his.

Fabio Capello was wheeling his shopping trolley across the supermarket car
park when he noticed an old lady struggling with her bags of shopping. He
stopped and asked, "Can you manage dear?" To which the old lady replied,
"No way. You got yourself into this f*****g mess, don't ask me to sort it
out..."

The FA have launched an inquiry to find out how a fan found his way into
the dressing room. And another enquiry into how Aaron Lennon found his way
into the dressing room.

Try this out
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.’
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson!!'Try this out
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson. Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and disconnect the phone so you will not be disturbed.
Change into very comfortable clothing and sit in your favorite chair. Open the package and remove the thermometer. Now, carefully place it on a table or a surface so that it will not become chipped or broken.
Now the fun part begins.
Take out the literature from the box and read it carefully. You will notice that in small print there is a statement:
Every Rectal Thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson is personally tested and then sanitized.’
Now, close your eyes and repeat out loud five times, 'I am so glad I do not work in the thermometer quality control department at Johnson & Johnson!!'

Two you missed Dave:-

Sie glauden ihre ganzen ist es jetzt

translation

They think its all over, it is now!


Finally...... there has been a severe weather warnings for Northern England, There is expected flooding coming from the North due to the
whole of Scotland p****** themselves laughing!