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PEOPLE who own the out of date iPhone will be forced to sit at the back of the bus, it emerged last night.
New rules will mean that users of the iPhone 3G or 3GS must occupy the last four rows and if the bus is full and a new iPhone user gets on, the old iPhone user nearest to the door must give up their seat.

The regulations will also apply to municipal swimming pools, where old iPhone users will be allowed in for 20 minutes once a month, and their use of libraries and public lavatories will also be severely restricted.

Meanwhile, as the police warned they would not hestitate to use dogs and fire hoses to quell unrest, across Soho, bars and restaurants have placed signs in their windows stating 'version fours only' and 'no iPhone 3GS, no Irish'.

Wayne Hayes, founder of the exclusive private members' club, Prick House, said: "I just don't think that old and new iPhone owners should mix. It's not natural. They should have their own places.

"And I don't care what anyone says, they just don't have the same range of functions as we do."

But Julian Cook, manager of Ponce, the popular Dean Street wine bar, said: "We're not banning them completely. We've marked out a special area in the corner where they can all sit together and be served poor quality food.

"Perhaps when they see the new version owners laughing and being 24% thinner, it might encourage them to start acting like civilised human beings."

Experts say drug abuse and criminality are higher among out of date iPhone users, though there is debate over whether this is caused by old iPhone ownership or whether it is simply genetic.

Helen Archer, who has two cameras and can support high definition video, said: "I just can't have them around me. I don't feel safe. And they have a pungent odour."

But Stephen Malley, an outreach worker from Finsbury Park, said: "I spend a lot of my time working with people who have the 3GS and have forged some lasting friendships."

He added: "They're such wonderful dancers and they can run like the wind."

What if the Hokey Kokey is what it is all about?

I have a new chat up line that works everytime!! It doesn't matter how gorgeous or out of my league a woman might be, this line is a winner & I always end up in bed with them..



Here's how it goes..

' Excuse me love, could I ask your opinion? Does this damp cloth smell like chloroform to you?'

Correct Grammar Is Vital

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumoured to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction.

After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man slowly, methodically produced a potion, handed it to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine, and it must be respected. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do that, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until at least five years !!!"

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom. When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!"

Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle...

NEW MEDICINES APPROVED BY THE FDA

Histalavista: Say bye-bye to those allergies.

Milk of Amnesia: Infant formula to help babies forget birth trauma.

Non-Interferon: Black market drug often slipped to unsuspecting in-laws.

Testsoteroni: A hormonal supplement eaten as pasta.

Aesthetominophen: You don't feel any better, but you look fabulous.

U-HU Aspirin: Half aspirin and half glue, for those splitting headaches.

Preparation H with Aspirin: Offers relief from people who are a pain in the posterior.

The England football team visited an orphanage near Capetown today.

"It was heartbreaking to see their little faces without any hope" said Jamel,aged 6.

South African police admit having problems with drug dealers,thieves and sex fiends during the World Cup.They say things should improve when John Terry's family go home.

OXO are doing a new range of cubes.

It's white, with a red cross on each side.. called laughing stock.

Sex for pensioners



The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over sixty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'

Yes, she says, 'I remember it well.'


OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'

Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.

The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in..

Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming.



Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.


The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.



After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.



So, as the couple pass, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Sixty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.'

From the D.M.

IKEA USING GAS THAT MAKES YOU FORGET YOUR LAST VISIT.
Furniture giant Ikea is using memory-wiping gas to make customers forget how awful their visit has been, it was claimed yesterday.
Sources claim the company uses a scentless substance known as Skortl, administered at the checkout area, which obscures customers' recollection of the horrors they have just experienced in the seemingly endless labyrinth of cheap objects.

Shopper Bill McKay said: "The last time we went to Ikea, I had a cold, but I was determined that our living room would not be fit for human consumption until I had installed a beech-veneered fjrkntruupel.

"As the hours passed - with no sign of the fjrkntruupel or an exit - the trolley filled with increasingly unnecessary items selected through a weird mix of panic and self-doubt until eventually we began to turn on each other.

"I made a deliberately antagonistic comment to my wife about how I'd rather ram broken glass up my own arse than ever ever ever fucking ever do this again, and then she punched me really hard in the windpipe. Meanwhile our eight-year-old son Robert responded by stabbing her repeatedly in the thigh with one of the little pencils they give you.

"Yet no sooner had we left the building, bleeding and ragged, than my wife was talking happily about how we didn't really need another 47 bags of vanilla flavoured tea lights.

"It was then I remembered being sprayed in the face at the checkout by a yellow-shirted girl who laughed in our faces and called us 'dreadful, bovine twats'. Clearly they didn't count on my blocked sinuses."

A spokesman for Ikea said said the company was pleased to announce the opening of its first British stores and looked forward to introducing millions of customers to a new shopping experience.

Retail analyst Stephen Malley said: "Memory gas doesn't sound like the kind of thing Ikea would do, but then again I've never been there."

He added: "By the way, can I just ask you something - is your house completely full of tea lights?"