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From the D M,

CASH-FOR-GOLD COMPANIES A RIP-OFF, SAYS LEPRECHAUN
22-01-10
A LEPRECHAUN has labelled TV cash-for-gold companies a 'rip-off' after receiving just £12.94 for his entire pot.
Green-coated magical mini-man Finnan O'Clackerty was undertaking some minor shoe repairs in his burrow while watching Loose Women, when he saw an advert for Cash-My-Identity-Bracelet.

He said: "Oh to be sure, it did seem very straightforward, and I had no doubt in me mind that a company what advertises on the national telly could be anything other than entirely decent.

"Now 'tis true I was having a minor cash flow problem, what with all the stout and horses and such like, and had even considered help from that lovely Carol Vorderman and her loan consolidatey service."

O'Clackerty said he emptied his pot of gold into a plastic envelope and sent it to the company whose experts valued the entire horde at £12.94, payable in off-license vouchers.

He added: "It wasn't just a pot full of identity bracelets - there was a broach that turns you invisible and a special necklace made by the gnome king that enslaves all living things.

"Come on now, those must have been worth at least a tenner each."

O'Clackerty has subsequently cast a spell on the directors and staff of Cash-My-Identity-Bracelet, turning their tongues into rats' tails, their fingers into adders and rendering them unavailable for comment.

He said: "To be sure, I am a good, if somewhat roguish, leprechaun, and not an evil one like in that straight-to-DVD horror film with Jennifer Aniston. However given the circumstances I felt I was left with no option.

"And as my treasure has still not been returned I may yet be forced to spirit away their firstborns and replace them with bright green piglets.

"Hee-hee!"

Outside our local clinic, a notice states:

FAMILY PLANNING
USE BACK ENTRANCE !!

IDIOT SIGHTING #7

When my husband and I arrived at Our Local Ford dealer to pick up our car, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver’s side door.

As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.

'Hey,' I announced to the Fitter/Mechanic, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I have already done that side.'

This was at Ford dealership in St Albans, Hertfordshire UK.





IDIOT SIGHTING #8

A coach party were out for the day, stopped off at a refreshment halt in Hertfordshire and queued up for tea and coffee. One group asked for "Six decaffeinated please”, to which the girl replied: “Sorry, we only do coffee!”

Story from Luton Probus.





STAY ALERT!
They walk among us, and the scary part is that they have the RIGHT TO VOTE and to REPRODUCE!

Bottle of Merlot

A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant.

So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, "This is from the gentleman who is seated over there" and indicated the sender with a nod of his head.

She stared at the wine coolly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.

The note read: "For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and seven inches in your pants."

After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady.

It read:

"Just to let you know things aren't always what they appear to be: I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen and Miami and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over twenty million dollars in my bank account and portfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back."

My wife and I went to the local Farmers' Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR '

My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, 'He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week.'

We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said,

'THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, 'WOW. That's more than twice! A week! ........... You could learn a lot from him.'


We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said,


'THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR'

My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,
'That's once a day ....... You could REALLY learn something from this one.'

I looked at her and said,
'Go over and ask him if it was with the same old cow.'







I don't remember much about what happened next.

The Wythenshawe Asda Greeter

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a 10 year old Blues top walked into ASDA in Wythenshawe, with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly,
'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F**k no, they're not twins.
The oldest one's nine, and the other one's six
Why the f**k would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, thick or just f*****g stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter.
'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.
Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'



He got a final warning but reckoned it was worth it to see the look on her face.

A group of 40-something guys are discussing where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they will meet at the Black Forest Inn because they have the prettiest waitresses all wearing low-cut blouses.

Ten years later, when the guys are 50-something, the group again discusses where to meet. Finally it is agreed that they will meet at the Black Forest Inn because the food there is very good and they have a good wine selection.

Ten years later, when the guys are now 60-something, the group once again discusses where to meet. They agree that they should meet at, you guessed it, the Black Forest Inn. This time because it's quiet and smoke-free.

Another ten years pass, and now 70-something, the group is deciding where to meet. After a brief discussion, it is agreed that they should meet at the Black Forest Inn...because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and has an elevator.

Ten years later, wouldn't you know it, at 80-something, the group is having a discussion about where to meet. After a couple of hours with many, many suggestions, they agree that they should meet at the Black Forest Inn.

After all, they've never been there before.

From the DM:-

HONDA JAZZ FILLED WITH SCORPIONS
10-02-10
CAR giant Honda last night confirmed that its Jazz supermini hatchback is full of deadly scorpions.
The company is to recall more than 80,000 cars but insists the scorpion removal should take less than 30 minutes at a main dealer, as long as the mechanic has taken his anti-venom pills.

A spokesman said; "It was something that sneaked in at the design phase. Instead of allowing an extra 4.5 millimetres for the reverse-flow air duct, the design engineer accidentally included 800 Arizona Bark scorpions.

"In a big company like this, where projects get rubber-stamped and sent on to the next department, deadly scorpion inclusion is one of those things that can easily be overlooked.

"By the time we started production at our factory in the Belgian Congo we already had 64 million scorpions sitting around in massive bins just waiting to be installed."

Jazz driver Joanna Kramer, from York, said: "To be honest I haven't really noticed. My husband Geoff did die suddenly about three months ago on the way back from the Clifton Moor shopping centre, but the post-mortem said blood poisoning so we just assumed it was the McFlurry."

She added: "I suppose I'll take it into the garage, but it's an awful nuisance as I'm supposed to go to the doctor this morning about this throbbing, green lump on my left thigh and my alarming shortness of breath."

Meanwhile Toyota has agreed to a global recall of the hybrid Prius model amid complaints the brakes did not work particularly well on icy roads even though that is starting to sound like it might be bullshit.

The dentist pulls out a Novocaine needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'


The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.' The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' "It doesn't'
said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

Lets put some sanity back into this site;