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ZUMA TO BUY CHERYL COLE
South African president Jacob Zuma arrived in London last night on the first leg of his bid to buy Cheryl Cole.
President Zuma, who is combining his Cole shopping with a state visit, is keen to add the newly-single Girls Aloud star to his overflowing wife basket.

Meeting Her Majesty the Queen at Buckingham Palace, the president said: "Where is Cheryl Cole? I want to make a baby with her."

He added: "It was a long flight. Bring her to me so that I may watch her jiggle before humbly asking if she would do me the honour of becoming my new favourite wife."

President Zuma currently has 33 wives and just over 28,000 children. He was accompanied to London by Wife 17, previously known as the TV presenter Maggie Philbin.

Zuma's spokesman stressed there would no consultation with Cole's estranged husband Ashley, adding: "South Africa is a modern, egalitarian society where women enjoy the freedom to move between husbands without written permission."

Concerns have been raised over the impending purchase of the nation's sweetheart by a foreign sex maniac, while experts have warned that it may become increasingly difficult to take South Africa seriously when the head of state gets off the plane with 'one of his wives'.

But Dr Nathan Muir, an anthropologist at Reading University, insisted: "The world is made up of different cultures. In some societies men think about having lots of wives and humping absolutely anything that moves, while in other societies they just get on with it."

This talk of sex maniacs has reminded me of Post 740. As an impressionable lad (at the time),when I watched Logan's Run I was concerned to know where Jenny Agutter suddenly got a pair of knickers from when she had to climb a ladder...... I know I should be ashamed of myself, you don't need to tell me.

After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, Irish scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.

Not to be outdone by the Irish, in the weeks that followed, an English archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the Sassenach Morning Herald read:

"English archaeologists, finding traces of 130-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech
communications network 30 years earlier than the Irish".

One week later, the Banffshire Courier in Buckie , Scotland , reported the following:

"After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Enzie, Banffshire, Jock Broon, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely f*ck all. Jock has therefore concluded that 130 years ago, Scotland had already gone wireless."

Girls you'll love this one:-

This is an actual extract from a sex education school textbook for girls, printed in the early 60's in the UK and explains why the world was much happier and peaceful then!

When retiring to the bedroom, prepare yourself for bed as promptly as possible. Whilst feminine hygiene is of the utmost importance. your tired husband does not want to queue for the bathroom, as he would have to do for his turn. But remember to look your best when going to bed. Try to achieve a look that is welcoming without being obvious. If you need to apply face-cream or hair-rollers wait until he is asleep as this can be shocking to a man last thing at night. When it comes to the possibility of intimate relations with your husband it is important to remember your marriage vows and in particular your commitment to obey him. If he feels that he needs to sleep immediately then so be it. In all things be led by your husband's wishes: do not pressure him in any way to stimulate intimacy. Should your husband suggest congress then agree humbly all the while being mindful that a man's satisfaction is more important than a woman's. When he approaches his moment of fulfilment a small moan from yourself is encouraging to him and quite sufficient to indicate any enjoyment that you may have had. Should your husband suggest any of the more unusual practices be obedient and uncomplaining but register any reluctance by remaining silent. It is likely that your husband will then fall promptly asleep so adjust your clothing, freshen up and apply your night-time face and hair care products. You may then set the alarm so that you can arise shortly before him in the morning. This will enable you to have his morning cup of tea ready when he awakes.

On Thursday, two German politicians told their Greek counterparts that the country should sell off its assets – art, historic buildings and islands – before accepting international aid.

George Papandreou, the Greek prime minister, was dispatched abroad, to seek the help of European leaders including Angela Merkel, the German chancellor, in addressing the country's mounting debt.


But Germany's Bild tabloid had another suggestion, calling on Greek citizens to adopt a more Germanic work ethic in an open letter to Mr Papandreou.

Dear Mr Prime Minister,

If you read this print, you’ve entered a country completely different from yours. You’re in Germany.

* Here, people work until they are 67. There is no longer a 14-month salary for civil servants.

* Here, nobody needs to pay a €1,000 bribe to get a hospital bed in time.

* Her, we don’t pay pensions for the General’s daughters who sadly can’t find husbands.

* In this country, the petrol stations have cash registers, the taxi drivers give receipts and farmers don’t swindle EU subsidies with millions of olive trees that don’t exist.

Germany also has high debts - but we can meet them.

* That’s because we get up reasonably early and work all day. Because in good times we always spare a thought for the bad times. Because we have good firms whose products are in demand around the world.

Dear Mr Prime Minister, today you are in the country that sends umpteen-thousand of tourists and money aplenty to Greece.

We want to be friends with the Greeks. That’s why since joining the euro, Germany has given your country €50bn.

For this reason, we are writing to you,

Yours,

Bild Editorial

PS In case you want to write back, we have enclosed a stamped addressed envelope.

Always wear clean underwear in public, especially when working under your vehicle.



From the Daily News comes this story of a Leicester couple who drove their car to ASDA, only to have their car break down in the car park. The man told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car.
The wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones..
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked cross the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by.

The AA mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead.

Just to take the heat off our Pakistani frieds.
In New Zealand, the police reportedly stopped two male cyclists who were riding their cycles at night, completely naked. They did not prosecute them for public indecency (because it was dark, I suppose)but, instead, prosecuted them for cycling without wearing safety helmets !!

New World Survey...

Last month a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.

The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.

In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.

In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.

In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.

In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.

In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.

In the U.S. they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.

And in Canada they hung up because they couldn't understand the researcher's Indian accent.

How do you tell the difference between....
a UK Police Officer, an Australian Police Officer and an American Police Officer?

Answer:
Pose the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, and raises the knife and charges..

You are carrying a Glock .40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

UK Police Officer's Answer:

0. Is there any way I can get away with issuing him and FPN?
1. Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
2. Does the man look poor or oppressed?
3. Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?
4. Could we run away?
5. Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?
6. What does the law say about this situation?
7. Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it?
8. Is there a Health and Safety issue here?
9. Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?
10. Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?
11.Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?
12. If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?
13. Should I call 9-9-9?
14. Why is this street so deserted?
15. We need to raise taxes, have a paint-and-weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behaviour?
16. If I raise my gun and he turns and runs away; do I get blamed when he falls over running away, knocks his head and kills himself?
17.. If I shoot him, and lose the court case, does he have the opportunity to sue me, cost me my job, my credibility and I will lose my family home?

----------------------------------------------------------------------

Australian Officer's Answer:

1) BANG!


----------------------------------------------------------------------

American Officer's Answer:

1) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
Click....(sounds of reloading)

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!!!!!!!!!!!

Click.
Daughter: “Nice grouping, Dad! Were those Winchester Silver Tips?''