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While I was driving down the M4 the other day, (going a little faster than I should have been) I passed under a bridge only to see a copper on the other side with a radar gun laying in wait.

The copper pulled me over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk, asked:

"Runway too short?"

To which I replied, "I'm late for work."

To which he asked, "What do you do?"

"I'm a rectum stretcher," I responded.

The copper was surprised and confused. "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," I said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in, work side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch the hole, until it's about 6 feet."


Then the copper asked questioningly and cautiously, "And just what do you do with a six-foot arsehole?"

To which I politely replied, "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."



Speeding ticket: £105.00
Court costs: £45
Look on copper's face: Priceless.

spot on that.

ABSOLUTELY NOT RACIST.

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's me wife! I've accidentally shot 'er & I tink I've killed 'er!''

Operator: ''Please calm down, Sir; can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

[*click*] [*BANG!*]

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Mexico.

While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.

He asked the waiter, 'What is that you just served?'

The waiter replied, 'Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!'

The cowboy said, 'What the heck, bring me an order.'

The waiter replied, 'I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy.'

The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, inspecting his platter, he called to the waiter and said, 'These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones you served yesterday.'

The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied,
'Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins'.

Nice one C O.

IDIOT SIGHTING #4


My daughter went to a local Kentucky Fried and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.

From South Oxhey. Herts. , UK

good them.

Don't fall for this latest scam.

House of Parliaments Information Office
Parliament House, Accra-Ghana .


Attn: Beneficiary,

We the entire members of the House of the Parliament , on behalf of the Government of Ghana , under the auspices of the new President of Ghana
held a meeting this week concerning payment, both foreign and local contractors and some inheritance funds of lost and dead investors in Ghana between 1960 to 2009 which were not released to the right benefactors and also long dated contract payment sum of 1978/1981.

Mr. John Atta Mills the Honorable President of Ghana and the Speaker of Parliament Mrs. Joyce Bamford-Addo has just informed this office the House of Parliament of Ghana that All the listed contractors and Inheritance funds benefactors which their CONTRACT PAYMENT SUM AND INHERITANCE FUNDS were not paid to should be released to them with effect so that the Global financial crisis rocking the world today will not affect the goverment of Ghana

On going through files yesterday, we discovered that your file was dumped untreated, so at this juncture, we apologize for the delay of your payment and
please stop communicating with any office now and attention to the appointed office below for you to receive your payment accordingly.

We discovered that your payment listed to us Five million two hundred thousand dollars (US5.2M) approximately Three million five hundred thousand Great
Britain Pounds(GBP3.5M), you are advised to respond with effect so that we will process your payment to be made in any form you wish to receive your funds
either by bank draft of direct wire transfer or inform our financial institution where the funds will be package for delivery at your doorstep .

Kindly respond to this office so that your payment will be process and release under 5 days of your receiving this email for proper verification of your
full detailed information for final processing of the release of your fund.

Now your new Payment Reference No.-35460021, Allocation No: 674632 Password No : 339331 , Pin Code No: 55674 and your Certificate of Merit Payment No : 103,
Released Code No: 0763; Immediate Telex confirmation No: -1114433 ; Secret Code No: XXTN013, Having received these vital payment number, therefore You are
qualified now to receive and confirm Your payment with the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland immediately within 5 days.
You are directed to reconfirm your full detailed information as stated below :

1) FULL NAME:
2) HOME ADDRESS:
3) OFFICE ADDRESS:
4) PROFESSION,MARITAL STATUS,AGE:
5) HOME PHONE NUMBER/WORK PHONE NUMBER and CELL PHONE NUMBER :
As well as time to call you on the phone.

NOTE: We have mounted our security network to monitor every in-coming call, if we still find out that you are still dealing with all those fraudsters that
have been frustrating you, we shall stop and cancel your payment immediately .
Respectively ,

Dr. Ambrose Dery
Deputy Minority Leader
House of Parliament , Ghana.
drbhel@gmail.com

GIRLS' WEEKEND

Four friends spent weeks planning the perfect girls getaway trip - shopping, casinos, massages, facials.

Two days before the group is to leave Mary's husband puts his foot down and tells her she isn't going.

Mary's friends are very upset that she can't go, but what can they do.

Two days later the three get to the hotel only to find Mary sitting in the bar drinking a glass of wine.

"Wow, how long you been here and how did you talk your husband into letting you go?"

"Well, I've been here since last night...........

Yesterday evening I was sitting on the couch and my husband came up behind me and put his hands over my eyes and said 'Guess who'?

I pulled his hands off to find all he was wearing was his birthday suit. He took my hand and led me to our bedroom. The room was scented with perfume, had two dozen candles and rose petals all over. On the bed, he had handcuffs and ropes! He told me to tie and cuff him to the bed, so I did. And then he said, 'Now, you can do whatever you want.'







So here I am."

IDIOT SIGHTING #5

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an Irish airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge”? To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?"

He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'

Happened Luton Airport ... UK




IDIOT SIGHTING #6

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'what on earth are blind people doing driving?!'

She is a Local County Councillor employee in Harrow, Middlesex, UK

UK ECONOMY GROWS BY FIFTEEN PENCE
26-01-10
BRITAIN emerged from recession today as the economy grew by 15p.
The Office of National Statistics confirmed the end of the longest downturn in post-war history thanks to a chubby woman in Doncaster buying a Cadbury's Boost from a Shell garage at 11.20pm on New Year's Eve.

But experts warned the economy could easily be tipped back into recession if the woman buys something cheaper or, in the worst case scenario, decides to stop buying chocolate bars as part of some stupid, pointless diet she read about in Grazia.

Julian Cook, chief economist at Madeley-Finnegan, said: "Her bouncy chubbiness and the tell-tale chocolate deposits in the corner of her mouth should instil some confidence in nervous bond traders.

"Then again that same cuddly porkiness could lead to some form of health kick, in which case the entire country will be a plague-ridden, burnt-out shell by the start of Wimbledon."

He added: "We would like to see Alistair Darling introduce some temporary fiscal loosening to ensure this lovely, chunky woman retains her healthy appetite for mid-priced snacks."

A Treasury spokesman said that unlike the woman, the economy remained fragile, but stressed the recovery would not have been possible without the government's scrappage allowance to encourage owners of pre-1999 Topics and Curly Wurlys to trade them in for a brand new Boost, Double Decker or Toffee Crisp.

Karen Traynor, the chubby woman, said: "I went in for 10 Silk Cut but then I saw the Boost and thought 'may as well'.

"It were quite good."