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For Helena:-

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Asda . Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.


Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".


4 illegal immigrants were suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.


Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "B*lls to that" said Paddy "that's the last time I go lion dancing"


63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .

Is Helena a fan of Bernard Manning?

Celadon: your Tesco lorry 'joke' is appalling - it's simply sick. You might think it funny but don't expect us to share/approve your way of thinking.

Yeah. Absolutely appalling. On a par with:

What's the difference between a dead Pakistani and a dead hedgehog on the motorway? Answer. There are no skid marks in front of the Pakistani.

I'm entirely with Robtherich on this one - bearingin mind that you have no idea Celadonof the nationality or ethnic background of anyone using this site - including Helena. And we thought Dawn was bad!

Thank you, anniec: I was beginning to think I'd stumbled on a chapter of the BNP.

These are not my jokes, just the most current ones that are circulating the WWW.

Were you obliged to pass that stuff on? Could you not have helped to put a stop to it?

40 YEARS OF MARRIAGE....

A married couple in their early 60s was celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.
Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, 'For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.'
The wife answered, 'Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband. The fairy waved her magic wand and - poof! - two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.
The husband thought for a moment: 'Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I'm sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.
The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish. So the fairy waved her magic wand and poof!...the husband became 92 years old.
The moral of this story: Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.......

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was widely lauded for his wisdom.

One day an acquaintance ran up to him excitedly and said, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about Diogenes?"

"Wait a moment," Socrates replied, "Before you tell me I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test." "Triple filter?" asked the acquaintance.

"That's right," Socrates continued, "before you talk to me about Diogenes let's take a moment to filter what you're going to say. The first filter is Truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"

"No," the man said, "Actually I just heard about it."

"All right," said Socrates, "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about Diogenes something good?"

"No, on the contrary..."

"So," Socrates continued, "You want to tell me something about Diogenes that may be bad, even though you're not certain it's true?"

The man shrugged, a little embarrassed. Socrates continued, "You may still pass the test though, because there is a third filter, the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about Diogenes going to be useful to me?"

"No, not really."

"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither True nor Good nor even Useful, why tell it to me or anyone at all?" The man was bewildered and ashamed. This is an example of why Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem.



It also explains why Socrates never found out that Diogenes was shagging his wife.