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Malone

I am thrilled that you can make it and it would be great to hear about those wonderful people you have just met on holiday.

You probably missed that Grunger is fighting the European elections on behalf of the Crossword Party, so might not be able to attend. But perhaps a consignment of pies would be a (somewhat inadequate) consolation.

I will do a report on Sunday morning if that is OK with you.

Jigjag, your reports are always a joy to read. I shall look forward to Thursday morning.

I've just scrolled back a few pages and read Grunger's party talk/manifesto. That was very entertaining - thanks, Grunger! I'd vote for you in a flash - or in a polling booth.

There was, believe it or not, a Pedants' Party a few years ago, but it came to an ignominious end. There were lots of difficulties with the actual name - some leaflets referred to The Pedant's Party, others to The Pedants Party and one fly-by-night publisher sent out material with The Pedants's Party on it.

Thanks Malone but it will be Sunday not Thursday so less that 48 hours to go!

I love the Pedants Party - I am sorry you were not elected

Jigjag, I don't know where 'Thursday' came from - my boat-lag must be worse than I thought.

I think the pedants missed every deadline for submitting official forms, their manifesto and so on as there were far too many arguments about the minutiae. In addition, there was always the major stumbling block of titles - the ugly 'chair' reared its head on a regular basis. The killer blow, leading to their demise, was when Private Eye started referring to them as 'The Pests Party'.

Jigjag

I am sorry to let you down but I cant be there. There is a recount in my constituency and I have to attend it. At your request, I have ordered 2 gross of assorted pies to be sent to the Salford studios. I hope that is enough and I am sure the show will go well.

Malone

Yes I can see there must have been insurmountable problems for your party. Trying to get agreement on anything must have been almost impossible. It was very uncharitable of Private Eye to refer to the party in that way, when you were clearly trying to unite the country, in correct grammar etc.

btw I heard this earlier:
Interviewer: How do you prepare for a game like this?
Baseball Pitcher: "I try to find out where my body is. Then I check where my ankles are"
Interviewer: "That makes perfect sense!"

I am pleased she understood it.

Grunger.

Your baseball story was an example of complete and utter nonsense/ non-sense!

It's a pity you can't make it to the talk, but thanks for gifting us the pies. I'm delighted you're sending us 'two gross of … pies' and not '2 gross pies.'

There must be an inexhaustible supply of such from sports interviews. I remember a radio reporter interviewing a football manager before a match, inquiring as to how the team were going to approach the game. He received the reply, "We're just going to try to be as offensive as possible." I presume the tactics involved more swearing, spitting and nose-blowing onto the pitch than usual.

Error in Guardian Prize crossword (shock horror!)
African carrier not entirely accepting European cause of disease, possibly (8)

It was a disaster. The BBC cancelled the WAWS (Wits and Wisecracks Society) and sent the wrong WAGS. We should have had the Wider Audience Generation Society, but they sent a group of footballers’ wives and girlfriends who apparently belong to an organisation with the same letters.

There was even a problem with the pies. Grunger had ordered 2 gross of them, and Malone feared that they would send 2 gross ones. Unfortunately, we received 2 grass pies which looked very unappetising. It was not proper grass of course, but I imagine it was that freeker stuff.

The warm-up act that Malone arranged was superb, the 3 Jo’s, great comediennes and singers, but when I was talking, the Wags kept heckling me. “Get on with it, grand-dad” was a typical remark. This annoyed me, especially as I am not one.

Malone’s friend Shona Legge, danced beautifully after the interval, and Malone gave a great talk about her recent trip to Chris Mast Island. It was lost on the Wags though. “Don’t we get turkeys from there?” said one. “No, they come from Turkey” answered another. I don’t think Malone was impressed with the Wags’ behaviour but she battled on manfully, or should it be womanfully, I’m never too sure on the PC stuff.

I spoke to Di Laffin at the BBC this morning. She apologised for the mix-up with the WAGS, but said they would not be offering Pedants United a series. “But we can get a Yorkshireman to give a talk, “Tales from the Outgrounds” or a couple of Eastenders to talk tripe, or talk about tripe, or even jellied eels, with free samples”. I suggested desperately.

“Ah, Eastenders, that gives me an idea” she said thoughtfully. So we won’t get a contract, but we have been offered an audition for BGT, whatever that is.

Jigjag and Malone

You were both great. Unfortunately, I was not involved in the recount so I dashed to Salford which is not too far away. I got there just before the interval. I agree about the Wags behaviour and I regret to say that I was mistaken for one of them.

I am afraid I made a ghastly gaffe. When a waiter asked me, ”Would you like some more Chardonnay?”, I replied rather rudely. “My name is not Chardonnay, it’s Grunger.” Luckily Posh rescued me.

I am sorry about the pies. I will find out what happened.