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The Urine test (This was written by a rig worker in the North Sea - What he says makes a lot of sense!)

I work, they pay me. I pay my taxes and the government distributes my taxes as it sees fit.

In order to earn that pay cheque, I work on a rig for a drilling contractor. I am required to pass a random urine test for drugs and alcohol, with which I have no problem.

What I do have a problem with is the distribution of my taxes to people who don't have to pass a urine test.


Shouldn't one have to pass a urine test to get a benefits cheque because I have to pass one to earn it for them?


Please understand that I have no problem with helping people get back on their feet.


I do on the other hand have a problem with helping someone sit on their arse drinking beer and smoking dope.


Could you imagine how much money the government would save if people had to pass a urine test to get a benefit cheque?


Please pass this along if you agree or simply delete it if you don't.


Hope you will pass it along though, because something has to change in the UK , and soon!

Being Irish meself I thought this was very good.

'As good as this bar is,' said the Scotsman, 'I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called McTavish's. The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink.'

'Well, Angus,' said the Englishman, 'at my local in London , the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two.'

'Ahhh, dat's nothin',' said the Irishman, 'back home in my favorite pub, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you gets laid, all on the house!'

The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims. The Irishman swore every word was true.

'Did this actually happen to you?'

'Not meself, personally, no,' admitted the Irishman, 'but it did happen to me sister quite a few times.'

Does my wife have a claim for compensation ?
She has used nice 'n easy hair conditioner three times, now, but her bra strap is still straight and dowdy!

The following questions were set in last year's GCSE examination in Swindon, Wiltshire ( U.K. )

These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar

Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists

Q. How is dew formed
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire

Q. What causes the tides in the oceans
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight

Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed

Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election

Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope)

Q. What happens to your body as you age
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental

Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true)

Q Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death

Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour
A. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I, O and U (What ?????????)

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie

Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby

Q. What is the most common form of birth control
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium (That would work)

Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit)

Q. What is a terminal illness
A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable)

Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like umbrellas

Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)

Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head

A husband reluctantly agreed to play in the couples' alternate shot tournament at his club. He teed off on the first hole, a par four, and blistered a drive 300 yards down the middle of the fairway. Upon reaching the ball, the husband said to his wife "Just hit it toward the green, anywhere around there will be fine.

The wife proceeded to shank the ball deep into the woods. Undaunted, the husband said "That's OK, Sweetheart" and spent the full five minutes looking for the ball. He found it just in time, but in a horrible position.. He played the shot of his life to get the ball within two feet of the hole. He told his wife to knock the ball in.

His wife then proceeded to knock the ball off the green and into a bunker.

Still maintaining composure, the husband summoned all of his skill and holed the shot from the bunker. He took the ball out of the hole and, while walking off the green, put his arm around his wife and calmly said, "Honey, that was a bogey five, and that's OK, but I think we can do better on the next hole"

.
.
.

To which she replied, "Listen asshole, don't bitch at me, only 2 of those 5 shots were mine."

JOHN Lewis has commissioned Billy Joel to write a beautiful, poignant song about engaged couples and their wedding lists.
The song will be the soundtrack to a new television advert which the company hopes will capture the essence of two young people with their whole lives ahead of them, going ape-shit mental with a barcode reader.

A spokesman said: "The advert will be a montage of a couple moving from drunken intercourse, to living together to getting engaged and excitedly telling their parents, before bouncing into John Lewis with a mad glint in their eyes and some drool running down their chins.

"It's really about the timeless and indefinable magic of people who have been shacked up for at least three years and want better and more expensive versions of all the stuff they've already got."

Meanwhile the company has released a draft of the Billy Joel song that will accompany images of a blissfully happy couple rampaging through the cookware department like a pair of Nazi stormtroopers:

They would like a new kettle
They would like a tagine
And a Dualit toaster that they'll keep nice and clean
And they've put all these things on a list you can see
They say it's much easier
But they're just greedy bastards to me

They would like a new duvet
They would like some good knives
They would like a Le Creuset that'll last their whole lives
But you'll spend twenty quid 'cause that's you to a T
They'll say it's the thought
But they're still greedy bastards to me

The move follows the store's Oscar-nominated advert about a woman who is ageing incredibly quickly but does seem to have a really nice fridge during her first pregnancy.

Helen Archer, from Stevenage, said: "Like all women, I loved that advert because it spoke to me in that special language of the heart that only women can understand.

"That said, when I did actually go into John Lewis I was slightly disappointed not to see lots of grandmothers and grand-daughters buying jam making kits."

She added: "Perhaps they should do an advert that captures the timeless and indefinable magic of a fat, middle-aged man looking for a new telly."

Holidays are such fun:-

SWIMMER TRAPPED BY BEACH BALLS.

A man got a nasty surprise when he tried to get out of his deckchair and found his testicles had become stuck between two slats of wood. Mario Visnjic had been swimming naked off Valalta beach in Croatia and his testicles had shrunk in the cool sea. When he sat down they slipped through the slats and, then as he lay in the sun, expanded back to normal size. He was freed after he called beach maintenance services on his mobile phone and they sent a member of staff to cut the deckchair in half.

Wife asks husband,
"How many women have you slept with?"

Husband proudly replies,
"Only you, Darling - With all the others, I was awake."
 
 
 
 

 

 

 

 

 

 
 
 
 
 
Hospital Visiting Hours are 10 am to 4 PM

Medical Distinction Between Guts and Balls


Is there a medical distinction between Guts and Balls? We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically, speaking there is NO difference in the outcome.








Both result in death.

PEOPLE who own the out of date iPhone will be forced to sit at the back of the bus, it emerged last night.
New rules will mean that users of the iPhone 3G or 3GS must occupy the last four rows and if the bus is full and a new iPhone user gets on, the old iPhone user nearest to the door must give up their seat.

The regulations will also apply to municipal swimming pools, where old iPhone users will be allowed in for 20 minutes once a month, and their use of libraries and public lavatories will also be severely restricted.

Meanwhile, as the police warned they would not hestitate to use dogs and fire hoses to quell unrest, across Soho, bars and restaurants have placed signs in their windows stating 'version fours only' and 'no iPhone 3GS, no Irish'.

Wayne Hayes, founder of the exclusive private members' club, Prick House, said: "I just don't think that old and new iPhone owners should mix. It's not natural. They should have their own places.

"And I don't care what anyone says, they just don't have the same range of functions as we do."

But Julian Cook, manager of Ponce, the popular Dean Street wine bar, said: "We're not banning them completely. We've marked out a special area in the corner where they can all sit together and be served poor quality food.

"Perhaps when they see the new version owners laughing and being 24% thinner, it might encourage them to start acting like civilised human beings."

Experts say drug abuse and criminality are higher among out of date iPhone users, though there is debate over whether this is caused by old iPhone ownership or whether it is simply genetic.

Helen Archer, who has two cameras and can support high definition video, said: "I just can't have them around me. I don't feel safe. And they have a pungent odour."

But Stephen Malley, an outreach worker from Finsbury Park, said: "I spend a lot of my time working with people who have the 3GS and have forged some lasting friendships."

He added: "They're such wonderful dancers and they can run like the wind."