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=: The Washington Post Neologism List :=

The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its annual neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words.

The winners are:

1.. Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.

2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you've gained.

3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.

4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.

5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.

6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.

7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.

8. Gargoyle (n.), olive-flavored mouthwash.

9. Flatulence (n.), emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.

10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.

11. Testicle (n.), a humorous question on an exam.

12. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologi-sts.

13. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.

14. Oyster (n.), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddishis-ms.

15. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): the belief that, when you die, your soul flies up onto the roof and gets stuck there.

16. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles along for the company.

One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.

The old poodle thinks, 'Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!' Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap, the old poodle exclaims loudly, 'Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here.'

Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. 'Whew!' says the leopard, 'That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!'

Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the entire scene from a nearby tree figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.

The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, 'Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!'

Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, 'What am I going to do now?', but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says:

'Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!'

Moral of this story....

Don't mess with old farts. Age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill!

Glad to see both Celadon and John(from Arran)trying to resuscitate this thread so it can break all records by reaching 400.
Here are a few good sayings to assist matters to this end.
The early bird may get the worm,but the second mouse gets the cheese in the trap.
If you think nobody cares,try missing a couple of payments
Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,"What the Hell happened?"
Light travels faster than sound.That's why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
...OK,so whats the speed of dark?
Just remember:if the world didn't suck,we would all fall off.
Support bacteria.They're the only culture some people have.
99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

The Washington Post's Style Invitational also asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners:

1. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

2. Foreploy (v.): Any misrepresentation about yourself for the purpose of getting laid.

3. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

4. Giraffiti (n..): Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

5. Sarchasm (n.): The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

6. Inoculatte (v.): To take coffee intravenously when you're running late.

7. Hipatitis (n.): Terminal coolness.

8.. Osteopornosis (n.): A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

9. Karmageddon (n.): It's, like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

10. Decafalon (n.): The grueling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

11. Glibido (v.): All talk and no action.

12. Dopeler effect (n.): The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

13. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

14. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

15. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.

And the pick of the literature:

16. Ignoranus (n.): A person who's both stupid and an a**hole.

A Lesson To Be Learned From Typing The Wrong Email Address.
A Minneapolis couple decide to go to Florida during a particularly cold winter,and to stay at the hotel they used for their honeymoon 30 years earlier.
Because of hectic schedules it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules,so the husband left Minnesota on Thursday,with his wife flying down the following day.The husband checked into the hotel and decided to email his wife.However he accidentally left out a letter in the address.
Meanwhile,somewhere in Houston,a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.He was a minister who had been called home early,following a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her emails expecting messages from wellwishers.After reading the first message she screamed and fainted.The widow's son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen which read.
To:My Loving Wife
Subject:I've Arrived
Date:Sept.22,2009
I know you're surprised to hear from me.They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones.
I've just arrived and have been checked in.I've seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.
Looking forward to seeing you then.Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.
p.s Sure is freaking hot down here!!!

nice one, sexy!

Hi Trevor
At least it is clean.
Joker xxx

where have you been putting it?

Nowhere these days(or nights).
Combination of anno domine and being a widowman.

JOKER

Come on now, get a grip (on yourself)