M
I hope this message reaches you in your new (dis)guise.
I cant go to the Times final as it clashes with football. However, the "factual" report could be written now as the winner is already known. At least I could say that most years, but the regular champion made an error last year. That's the problem for the stars - putting in answers without parsing, to save time.
I will happily do a 200-word report after the event, from a different perspective.
Grunger
If you are still stuck after M's hints, for the Academist one, think of what you have to do to eat your pies. For the other one, try "us and them", but how you would say it in Wigan!