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Malone, Grunger

You were kind enough to say that you enjoy reading about my trips to the market. This morning, I went to see to the Cockney greengrocer, Ivan Napple, who seemed very happy with life.

“You’re in a good mood today, Ivan” I said.

“Never better, haven’t you heard - that posh geezer who comes in here has got a job in the government. He’s going to change the law so we have to use proper English measures”.

Of course. Jacob R-M has instructed his staff to use imperial measurements. Pedants will recall that Ivan was one of the greengrocers taken to court by Trading Standards for selling bananas by the pound.

“Great bloke – he actually paid my fine and has been ordering in pounds and ounces ever since. He told me his greatest pleasure in life is to go into Subway and order a foot-long submarine – cheese and tomato, very English. You see, ordering a 30.48 centimetre one would be pretty stupid. Funny how Subway have never been done for using feet and inches.”

“Yes, and we will soon be back to gallons of petrol, and pints of milk”, I suggested.

“You mean after this Breggsit – don’t get me started on that” he replied.

Jigjag, thanks for your tofu and market posts. The latter was, as always, very entertaining. I thought the foot-long sub stuff was terrific (and far better than the product itself, not that this would be difficult.)

Like you, I've been pretty busy with various things. One of these was sitting by the phone and standing guard by my letter-box... I was sure that Jacob R-M would be getting in touch, keen to add some like-minded pedants to his pool of staff. (I would have remained tactfully silent if he came out with any 'Esquire' nonsense.) The call never came, so I am exacting my revenge by using only one space after a full stop, using 'get', 'got' etc at every available opportunity and feverishly trying to expand my knowledge and use of 'weasel' words and phrases.


Thanks for reaching out to PU members. Your posts are important to use and will help us to move forward.

Worryingly, I have something in common with J R-M: I put two spaces between sentences. Oh dear ... (Presumably, he would not allow his name and the word 'common' in the same sentence!)

Meanwhile, part of the headline of India Knight's Sunday Times column today is "It's manners, not how you told your napkin, that's important." The online version of the article has a rewritten headline, so maybe someone noticed.

jigjag

I too thought it was a great report, very amusing. I have been wondering if Ivan had any views on Brexit. I have grown up in metric but I must admit I prefer imperial. I seem to weigh a lot of kilogrammes but 8 stone 6 feels OK to me.

When I read that we had 120 millimetres of rain last week, I have no idea how much that is. If they said 2 inches, I would know.

Similarly, I dont know how far a kilometre is, except that it is less than a mile. Strangely enough, I was happy with metric in the physics lab, but don't like it in real life. Oddly enough, I have bought cheese in pounds (weight) in Holland.

grunger - I share your views on metric v imperial: I was never properly converted. (I was never happy in the physics lab, or any other lab, though!)

stevea6000

Thanks - I am glad there are 3 of us taking on the metric monsters

Malone

I am sorry that J Ree-Smogg has not contacted you - you should have been the first Pedant he enlisted!

I was surprised to receive a beautifully handwritten letter from him, addressed to "Ms. G. R. Unger", with lots of full-stops and double spaces. I could not bring myself to tell him that I do not accept "Ms", with or without a full-stop. I don't mind Miss or Mrs or whether there is a full-stop or not.

He invited to me to join his "Imperial Measures Focus Group", the aim of which is "to deliver the undeliverables in a focussed or focused format".

I have no idea what this means but it is clearly unacceptable, even if he will not allow us to use this word.

Good luck with the "Weasel Words" campaign.

Grunger

Lucky you, being the recipient of a letter from Jacob. I hope you subjected it to intense scrutiny, to make sure he leads by example?

The 'Imperial...' organisation might have attracted more attention if they'd declared themselves IMPS, Imperial Measures Preservation Society.

I'm your total opposite when it comes to Mrs, Miss or Ms. I heartily dislike the first two, finding them surplus to requirements. I dislike the sound of the third one, but it's the least offensive. Having said that, I use titles only when writing to ageing relatives (ie, those over 70). Fortunately for me, most of my friends and family do exactly the same - for 50 years we've coped with letters marked 'M. Alone' or 'Mary Alone'. Part of this is down to my mother - I've never recovered from the shock and horror of her sending me to school with a sick note which she'd signed 'Mrs John Malone'. I was only 10, but felt then that this was just … wrong!

Malone

I like the IMPS - clever.

The biggest problem I have is addressing letters to companies, usually after I have complained about something and received a reply from, say, Alice Green, Customer Service Manager.

Do I write to Mrs Green or Miss Green. I wont use Ms or Alice.

Even worse it is sometimes from say, Sam Smith. Is that Mr, Mrs or Miss.

Of course I will in future address it to Sam Smith Esq. and he/she can complain to J R_M

grunger, malone

I have also received a letter from JRM. t was addressed to J.Igjag Esq. which was nice as I have not been esquired for many years.

He invited me to join his Panel Investigating Focussed Focused Loose English. That seems rather a clumsy name, possibly unacceptable. He says that he has invited Mistress Grunger to join the Panel and would like to invite Malone as well, but he does not know how to address her. I have replied that I think "Dear Malone" would suffice and have urged him to take urgent action, as the recent proliferation of gots, gets and weasels is troubling me.