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Rosalind

Sorry - I meant to address that to you.

Malone

Do you mean they deliberately rip the jeans? - how absurd. I didn't see any there, so I suppose Isla was hinting that I could get them elsewhere. But if it "fashionable" to have ripped ones, I don't need new ones, as the holes in mine are the result of 20 years wear and tear (literally).

I am more Buttons than Cinders, but I prefer zips.

Jigjag,

The fashion for ripped jeans may have peaked, but many stores still stock them. How about 'Sik Silk Low Rise Distressed Burst Knee Denims' or 'Mid blue Ollie Ripped Spray On Skinny Jeans'? I realised that I wouldn't be able to buy these - I'd never remember the lengthy names and would feel I was showing my age if I produced a bit of paper with the full name on it. It's lucky that you have embraced the concept already, subjecting your jeans to decades of wear and tear … I just hope the rips and holes are in all the right places?

jigjag

No, Marks dont sell them - try River Island. But it sounds as though you dont need them. Be careful. The ripped ones cost a lot more than unripped - they have to pay someone to tear them.

I am posting this from the theatre - on stage soon. Can you come, say tomorrow?

Grunger

My 'complementary' ticket appears to have gone astray. It's a real pity as I'd intended surprising you as you took your bow - rather than a boring bouquet of flowers, some excellent pies were going to come your way. (Don't worry, I'd have given them to you, not thrown them at you.)

grunger

Yes I can come tomorrow. I have got football at Everton first but it is an early start so I can get to Wigan. But do they really have a pier there? Is the theatre at the end?

Malone

Thanks. The names for the jeans seem accurate but possibly long-winded. I probably dont need any if it acceptable to have rips in them. My holes are in both knees and just below right pocket. Please advise me if I need to put further holes elsewhere. I dont want to be seen as unfashionable.

If you cant make it to Wigan tomorrow, please send some pies anyway, and I will share a few with Grunger after the show. I will take the brown sauce.

Jigjag

I'm delighted you'll represent the PU at Wigan tomorrow. I'm sure I can rely on you to conduct yourself in a fitting manner. Feel free to check any advertisements around the venue, and in the programme, for missing or rogue apostrophes.

I'm sending a few festive pies your way, they're travelling through cyber-space right now. There's a 'Christmas Cracker' - sprouts with pancetta, nestling between layers of cranberry-bejewelled stuffing and there's also a 'Christmas Turkey'. The latter really is a turkey, a dud - it contains the leftovers in my fridge, turned into an imaginative concoction. I think the contents are some/all of the following … two slices of corned beef, one half of a hard-boiled egg (I'm trying hard not to be wasteful with food), a slice of processed cheese, some quinoa and pomegranate salad (a healthy option that was roundly rejected by everyone here) … and an unidentified frying object from the M and S 'plant kitchen'. It could be a version of a sausage … or a burger … or something else entirely. Enjoy! (as they say in all the worst restaurants.)

Jigjag,

The holes, rips, in jeans seem be centred around the mid-thigh region - goodness knows why. If yours don't follow current trends, this doesn't really matter - perhaps you'll set new standards, alter the whole face (leg) of fashion in male attire.

Malone

It is really very kind of you to go to all that trouble to ensure that Grunger and I are well-catered for tomorrow evening. The quinoa and corned beef hash pie sounds amazing. The thing from the plant kitchen will be a novelty up there. They will love it with the sprouts and gravy.

Enjoy? Yes, every waiter/tress is saying that now, usually with a worrying smile on their faces.

It promises to be a long day tomorrow, but I will let you know how I get on on Sunday.

I am glad I am leading fashion by getting rips in the right places. Mid-thigh? How awful.

Jigjag

Thanks. I hoped the 'Plant Kitchen' might constitute a treat. I think 'interesting' might be the word to describe the eating experience. I really hate anyone saying 'Enjoy!' to me, especially if it's delivered in the most insincere voice possible, with an artificial smile (rictus?) on the server's face.

Although many of the rips are mid-thigh, on or just below the knee is acceptable too … depending on the state of the knee.#

Hope your long day tomorrow goes well. The pedant in me feels obliged to ask - what are you doing on Sunday? You've said you'll let me know how you get on then, but I'm afraid I have no idea what you're doing.

PS Sorry about that, but I didn't want my pedantry going rusty through lack of use.