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Malone, Grunger
I went to M & S yesterday to buy some jeans and to look for Christmas presents. I was pleased to see Isla Sellitt, the young lady who helped me a few months ago. I enquired about jeans. She looked me up and down and asked “Are you straight?”

“I never reveal my orientation” I replied solemnly.

“I meant the fit. Or are you slim or skinny?”
I am clearly neither.

“You want the fit that shows off your best shape” she added. I’m afraid I don’t speak the same language as these sales people.

I asked her about the cans of Gin & Tonic that I bought last year. She led me to a remote part of the shop. “We seem to have sold out” she said. “Why not try Rum & Coke or Mosquito?”

“I have had enough problems with gryllidae this year, so canned diptera does not appeal to me.” I replied.

“But mosquito is a very popular cocktail.”

It might well be, but it’s not for me, and, as usual, I left the shop empty-handed. Even worse, I have got to go back this afternoon.

Malone

I lounge around in a twosie, or track suit as I call it. The onesie seems such an impractical garment. How do you get in and out of it?

Rosalind

Thanks for the offer of your home-grown asparagus. Sounds delicious.

Tyke

Yes, Big Dunc has got them really fired up. He seems such an unlikely manager but it is working at the moment. I'm not sure about shirt sleeves in the freezing cold and pouring rain though.

Hoho jigjag (I quite like that phrase)

While I have sympathy with your non-communication with the M & S salesgirl, I feel it may have been a bit much to flash your knowledge of Insecta at her.

Nevertheless, my dentist recently refilled a tooth much filled before, saying "I think we should do this (like the "we"!) even though I'm worried it may open a can of worms." Some weeks later, after she had done the operation, I asked if any annelids had appeared. Luckily not.

I am going to ask a silly question. You must have bought jeans (or at least, trousers, I hope) before. Why not look at the old labels, possibly make a mental adjustment and try on a few pairs in the region of.....???

I ate a fried grasshopper in China. Not Diptera, but similar tasting I imagine.

The last twice I have left M &S without buying anything. Or, to be more precise, the first time I left with 2 jumpers made from recycled polyester. The next time I had taken them back. Do not go there (recycled polyester), you have been warned.

Skyewalker, Tyke

I like the Baby Cheeses joke. Presumably they are Baby Bel Cheeses.

Jigjag

Thanks for your M and S shopping report. You are very fortunate to bump into so many aptly-named people. The shop assistants and market people that I come across usually have names such as Joe Bloggs and Mary Smith.

I have never attempted to get myself into a onesie, though I'm sure it'd be an interesting spectator sport for others. The similarity to a Babygro means that there are lots of poppers, press stud things. I imagine that they are not the most practical garments for calls of nature … though maybe that's an unexpected side-effect, helping with bladder training while helping you lounge in style (not necessarily a good style, of course).

Rosalind, your worms and fried grasshoppers meant that I had a smaller than usual lunch today, not necessarily a bad thing.

PS What's wrong with the recycled polyester jumpers? I have noticed that many shops stock these just now - the huge sign saying 'recycled polyester' didn't seem very alluring.

Sorry about your lunch malone. You can always make up for it later.

These recycled jumpers were scratchy and the sleeves long enough for others of the Great Ape family. And somehow the neck bunched up at the back. I decided to knit my own from now on and am investigating using fibre from nettles except the scratch factor may go off the scale.

You know the ditty "Go clothe your lower limbs in pants"? Applies even more to onesies. Anyone over 12, size or age, does not look divine as they advance or from any other perspective.

Do tell about this afternoon's visit to M&S jigjag, if you get out alive.

Malone

Delighted to accept your unwanted sprouts which I will distribute to the deprived people of the North. I trust you were not responsible for the recent accident in Rosyth ...

... https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qm72rOjMU9I

Jigjag

There must be a story behind Duncan`s `weather-proof` shirt ... footballers are known to be a superstitious bunch! Perhaps he removes an article of clothing whenever you score - all the ladies will be hoping you keep knocking the goals in!

Tyke

I'm relieved to get rid of the sprouts. The accident in Rosyth was nothing to do with me, though I'd have liked to have seen the carnage.

When 'Big Duncan' was first mentioned, I had no idea who he was - I thought he was perhaps being lined up to be the next Labour leader. I now see the sporting connection … which is of even less interest. Sorry!

PS Maybe the women, as well as the 'ladies' will be looking for plenty of goals.

Malone

I thought you were our `Apostrophe Lady`