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GREATER Manchester will be 500 square miles of smouldering hellhole by April, say experts.
As Manchester police face cuts of 3,000 officers, many fear that the whole area could become little more than a nasal-sounding Liverpool.

Criminologist Wayne Hayes said: "It's going to be like when the levees broke in New Orleans, only instead of rainwater it'll be bandy-legged little shites with an intense, Gollum-esque desire to rob you.

"To put it into perspective, if the proposed ratio of crime to officer in Manchester is replicated across the country, most villages will be left with half a truncheon in a plastic box."

Manchester police chief Roy Hobbs has given the remaining officers special leave to say goodbye to their families and make peace with their respective gods before the workforce is reduced and they are overwhelmed.

Hobbs will then give a final rallying speech to the doomed officers from the back of a Landrover before tossing a load of Crimestoppers leaflets into the melee and heading for the Cotswolds at top speed.

He said: "I just hope our descendants can forgive us for what we are about to do here and that one day a flower can grow again in Moss Side without it being punched and then set on fire.

"But the ultimate fear is that the Manchester super-cell of thieving bastard could meet with the long established Liverpool one, creating a perfect storm of scrote that breaks free from its Northern moorings and threatens to engulf the entire country with TK Maxx tracksuits and sallow-faced burglary."

After making no attempt whatsoever to go forward against David Haye,Audley Harrison will sign for Man City in January.

WHY A DOG CAN'T USE COMPUTERS

~ He's distracted by cats chasing his mouse.

~ SIT and STAY were hard enough; CUT and PASTE are out of the question.

~ Three words: carpal paw syndrome.

~ Involuntary tail wagging is a dead give-away that he's browsing www.alpo.com instead of working.

~ The fire hydrant icon is simply too frustrating.

~ He can't help attacking the screen when he hears "You've Got Mail."

~ It's too messy to "mark" every Website he visits.

~ He can't stick his head out of Windows 7.

This one is for everyone who...
a) has kids
b) had kids
c) was a kid
d) knows a kid
e) is going to have kids.
I guess that means all of us!!

DADDY'S GONNA EAT YOUR FINGERS

I was packing for my business trip and my three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed. At one point she said, 'Daddy, look at this' , and stuck out two of her fingers.

Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said ,
'Daddy's gonna eat your fingers,'pretending to eat them.

I went back to packing, looked up again and my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.

I said, 'What's wrong, honey?'

She replied, 'What happened to my bogey?'

HESTON Blumenthal's Christmas pudding is set to be an achingly dull talking point at this season's least interesting dinner tables.
The £13.99 pudding, which has a satsuma or some f*****g thing in it, has been flying off the shelves of Waitrose and into the kitchens of people who love to go on and on and on in a grating, monotonous way.

Mother-of-two Emma Bradford, who has bought the pudding, said: "The tangy citrus is going to fuse with the dried fruit in such a way that the result can only be an orgasmic culinary pleasurequake.

"And clearly it's also a controversial food item, one that's bound to divide guests at my Christmas table. I guess you could call it 'the Marmite effect', perhaps?"

She added: "On a deeper level, I believe none of this. I am just a deeply insecure person and terribly worried that I am not as exciting as the people I read about in magazines.

"Such is my anxiety that expressing my uniqueness through the medium of pudding seems like a sane idea.

"Also it will add an extra 30 seconds of conversational fodder to an interminable day with estranged relatives that will be alternately tedious and tense."

A spokesman for the chef said: "Having an orange cooked inside the pudding makes it taste like a mixture of cherubs, jet planes and nightclub toilet sex, because of some science.

"It's warming and festive but could equally have come from a coldly terrifying future where society has degenerated into violent surreal chaos and humans live in craters."

He added: "However if you catch me out by the fire escape having a fag you might overhear me saying it's a geegaw for the sort of people who can read an entire Observer sunday supplement without experiencing a single homicidal impulse."

Christmas shopper Tom Logan said: "It could really bring something special to the family table if, instead of an orange, it contained Delia Smith's severed head.

"As it is I'll probably buy it anyway, because of some primordial herd mentality thing that makes me want to punch myself in the ear."

An electrician was recently sacked by the US prison service for not maintaining the electric chair.

He said that "In his professional opinion it was a deathtrap".

My plan to design an anti-gravity Bra has gone tits up.

The Lie Detector

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmicks. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change..

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11 year old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John.

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,"
said Tommy.

The robot walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair.

"Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy.

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha.

"The Ten Commandments." answered Tommy.

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair.

With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down and said, "I am sorry I lied. We really watched a tape called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents."

The robot walked around to John and delivered a whack that knocked him out of his chair..

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!"

The robot walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

A Drover walks into a bar with
a pet crocodile by his side.

He puts the crocodile up on the bar.
He turns to the astonished patrons.
'I'll make you a deal. I'll open this crocodile's mouth and place my manhood inside.
Then the croc will close his
mouth for one minute.

'Then he'll open his mouth
and I'll remove my unit unscathed.
In return for witnessing this
spectacle,
each of you will buy me a drink.'

The crowd murmured their approval.
The man stood up on the bar,
dropped his trousers,
and placed his Credentials and related parts in the crocodile's open mouth.
The croc closed his mouth
as the crowd gasped.
After a minute,
the man grabbed a beer
bottle and smacked the
crocodile really, really hard on the top of
its head.

The croc opened his mouth
and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised.

The crowd cheered,
and the first of his free
drinks were delivered.

The man stood up again and made another offer. 'I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try.'

A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar.

A blonde woman timidly
spoke up...

'I'll try it -

Just don't hit me so hard
with the beer bottle!'

Nelson At Trafalgar 2010



Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, this isn't what I dictated to Flags. What's the meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): “England expects every person to do his or her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledygook is this for God's sake?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting “England " past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the main brace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's nest, please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They won't let anyone up there until proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a barrier- free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under- represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in this stretch of water We could get hit with a claim for compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity coordinator hear you saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - Health and Safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case........... kiss me, Hardy."