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Name the one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends.

Celadon: Your Nelson at Trafalgar was a winner - thanks for the smile on a cold, grim day!

A moment's reflection, please folks, for Leslie Nielsen who left us on 28 Nov, followed by several minutes of hysterical laughter.

I was eating my tea earlier and I thought,blimey,this milk must be well past its use by date.

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section:


Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.

Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327

The Irish Bailout - how it works

It is a slow day in a damp little Irish town. The rain is beating down and the streets are deserted. Times are tough, everybody is in debt and everybody lives on credit.
On this particular day a rich German tourist is driving through the town, stops at the local hotel and lays a €100 note on the desk, telling the hotel owner he wants to inspect the rooms upstairs in order to pick one to spend the night. The owner gives him some keys and, as soon as the visitor has walked upstairs, the hotelier grabs the €100 note and runs next door to pay his debt to the butcher.
The butcher takes the €100 note and runs down the street to repay his debt to the pig farmer.
The pig farmer takes the €100 note and heads off to pay his bill at the supplier of feed and fuel.
The guy at the Farmers’ Co-op takes the €100 note and runs to pay his drinks bill at the pub.
The publican slips the money along to the local prostitute drinking at the bar, who has also been facing hard times and has had to offer him “services” on credit.
The hooker then rushes to the hotel and pays off her room bill to the hotel owner with the same €100 note.
The hotel proprietor then places the note back on the counter so the rich traveller will not suspect anything.
At that moment the traveller comes down the stairs, picks up the note, states that the rooms are not satisfactory, pockets the money and leaves town.
No one produced anything. No one earned anything. However, the whole town is now out of debt and looking to the future with a lot more optimism.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a bailout package works........

All this genuine wit and clever economics on the velocity of circulation is giving me a headache. Here's an utterly stupid Christmas cracker joke: What did the shy pebble say?
- I wish I was a little bolder.

NORWEGIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT

One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."

But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.

Without even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.

Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas. The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"

"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking truck!"

A married couple had 7 children, six of which were really handsome attractive kids but the other one was the most ugly child you could ever imagine. The husband was always suspicious about who the father was of the ugly child so when his wife fell ill he decided to confront her on her death-bed.

He said 'darling we have been blessed with 7 children, six are so good-looking but one is scrawny and ugly - please tell me dear, it has troubled me for years, who is the father of that one?'

His wife plucked up courage and whispered in his ear - that one's yours!

Do pilots take crash-courses?