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I went to the doctors the other day and found out my new GP is a young female, drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before.
Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out ."




I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..."

On a beautiful summer's day, two English tourists were driving through Wales .

At the town of, Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwyllllantysiliogogoch they stopped for lunch, and one of the tourists asked the very blonde waitress, “Before we order, I wonder if you could settle an argument for us… Can you pronounce where we are, very, very, very slowly?”

The girl leaned over and said, “Burrr.... Gurrr.... King.”

A group of poseurs?? They call themselves MP's don't they?
PSSSST.... Have you heard the one about....Well, Wikileaks has!!
Publish and be damned Sir!

A Real Man


A real man is a woman's best friend. He will
never stand her up and never let her down.
He will reassure her when she feels insecure
and comfort her after a bad day.


He will inspire her to do things she never
thought she could do; to live without fear
and forget regret. He will enable her to
express her deepest emotions and give in to
her most intimate desires. He will make sure
she always feels as though she's the most
beautiful woman in the room and will enable
her to be the most confident, sexy,
seductive, and invincible.



No wait... sorry... I'm thinking of wine. Its wine that does all that.......
Never mind.

Does anybody remember "Blake's Seven". The hero was a man who agitated against a tyrannical state. He was jailed on trumped-up sex charges. Pure science-fiction, of course!

The fertility doctor said we can't have children because a chemical reaction causes my sperm to heat up to such a degree it's as if they 'boil in the bag'

But I don't know if he means my testicles or the wife?

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station, when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red waggon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet.

The waggon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look. 'That's a very nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.

'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren.'

For all you old sea dogs out there - myself included:-

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform
and heads for the docks once more, for old times sake.


He engages a prostitute and takes her up to a room.


He's soon going at it as well as he can for a guy his age,
but needing some reassurance, he asks, 'How am I doing ?'


The prostitute replies, 'Well, old sailor, you're doing about three knots.'


'Three knots ? he asks. 'What's that supposed to mean ?'


She says, "You're knot hard, you're knot in,
and your knot getting your money back.

Yesterday David Cameron faced a decision that plagues many of us, he had to choose between Cable and Sky.

Cameron? A fine old Scottish name. Yes, we will hold you lot North of the Border responsible for producing yet another buffoon in Number 10.