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I bet those miners are glad they got out before the Americans decided to come and rescue them.

The wife is away this weekend, I got drunk with a few mates last night.
When I woke up this morning our white cat had been dyed pink,so I have spent 8 hours today cleaning it off before the wife gets back. It's almost done but there is a stubborn spot underneath its tail I can't get off. I tried using a wire brush but if anything that has made it worse.

The first task for the Chilean miners after their release,is to visit Anfield and teach Roy Hodgson how to get out of a bloody big hole before Christmas.

Why aren`t marriage licences renewable on an annual basis like vehicle excise licences?

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"

By the time you have read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"
You will also be ready for anything Chinese

So here goes


The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service in China

Room Service : "Morrin. Loom sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Loom sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: "What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!? Pryed, boyud, potchd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy, tea, meelk?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah ekk, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
..... and you do, don't you?”

Just heard Wayne Rooney is signing for Man City.
They offered him 200 Grans a week.

PROSTITUTES across Spain are ordering a range of home improvements after their earning estimates for next year were revised upwards.
According to the Instituto Español de Skankeros, its members can expect at least a 25% pay increase after Sir Alex Ferguson decided Wayne Rooney is too dirty to play for Manchester United.

A spokesman said: "In these straightened times this will give our members much needed security. They can make plans, invest in their homes and pay down debt.

"This is how British Aerospace must feel when Saudia Arabia decides it wants some new planes."

The spokesman added: "While we understand that Senor Rooney has promised his wife he will never use prostitutes again, it is also the case that she will be away on business a lot and he is very ugly."

Adriana Herez, a 32 year-old prostitute from Valencia, said: "Real Madrid play here twice a year so that should get me a low mileage Seat Ibiza and an en-suite bathroom.

"It is like I have reached into a mountain stream and found a horribly disfigured golden nugget."

Meanwhile Rooney is expected to take a short break from football in the new year to star in the film version of The Hobbit.

Rooney will play either Thorin the Dwarf or the Lonely Mountain alongside Martin Freeman's portrayal of Bilbo Baggins as a sightly bemused trainee accountant from Surrey.

Producer Peter Jackson said: "The plot immediately struck a chord with Wayne, focussing as it does on a stumpy bloke with big feet from a backwards part of the world who is obsessed with gold.

Oh well Tel, if you won't.. (blame Trevor)

After 35 years of work in Royal Mail, a postman is preparing for retirement. On his last day he sets out on his round as usual. One family gives him a pen as a gift, another one gives him a key-chain, and at the third door, a glamorous girl appears, takes his hand and leads him straight to her bedroom where they spend two hours having the most amazing sex. After a shared shower she prepares breakfast: bacon and eggs, orange juice, and as much coffee as he can drink -then she gives him a five pound note.
On his way out he asks "Can you explain all of this to me...?!?"
The girl says: "Well, yesterday I told my husband that our postman is retiring and we need to do something special for him. All he said was 'Fuck him! Give him a fiver!' ......


But the breakfast was my idea."