Crossword Help Forum
Forum Rules

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

How can I get to the last thread added without either going through it or posting a thread??

From the first page, go to any of the page numbers showing (ie up to 10). Then go to the top of the screen and change the offset number to 880

Thanks Bees. I did that and it hasn't worked for me!!! After changing offste no what do I do??? I'm just a bit thick!

From the D.M.

PUB chain Wetherspoons is to open outlets in accident and emergency departments for injured brawlers who want another drink.
The hospital pubs will cater primarily for the weekend crowd of young, bleeding partygoers who have just been in a drunken, violent fight about nothing.

A spokesman said: "These outlets will be designed in a way that is sensitive to the other patients. There won't be any loud music or fruit machines. Just booze, value for money food and a fag machine.

"They will also have appropriate names like 'The 16 Stitches', 'The Mutiple Contusion' and 'The Face and Bottle'."

He added: "There is a long tradition of drunk people having their limbs sawn off going back to the Napoleonic wars. Admittedly they were soldiers and sailors rather than people who had received a shoeing outside a kebab shop that was largely their own fault."

A&E consultant, Dr Roy Hobbs, said: "There is a fear that drunk, aggressive people will continue to drink and become more aggressive if they are effectively being stretchered into another pub.

"However I'd prefer them to be unconscious through drink rather than three-quarters pissed and trying to bite my face off."

Julian Cook, who gets in a fight with a human or an object most weekends, said: "I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying a pint and a cajun platter while waiting for your head to be pieced back together.

"And I will of course behave responsibly, as long as none of you fuckers gives me a funny look."

Do we have to have the vulgarity?

From the DM,

TWIGGY is a 300 year-old Bulgarian woman, Oil of Olay admitted last night.
The cosmetics giant was forced to reveal the true identity of Britain's favourite model after hundreds of readers spotted some slight airbrushing around her eyes in a magazine advert.

But they insisted that Twiggy, whose real name is Svetlana Betsov, is a modern miracle and should not be mocked or poked at like some kind of freak.

According to the company Twiggy was born near the small town of Chavdar in 1708, the third child of farmer Yuri Betsov and his wife Albert.

As a teenager she gained employment as a housemaid with the Koralevs, one of the richest families in the Austro-Hungarian empire, eventually moving with them to Paris in 1727.

After the Koralevs were crushed by a falling piano in 1732, she was taken in by the controversial chemist Georges Olay who used her in a series of dangerous experiments involving charcoal, beetroot oil and human lard.

By 1746 Olay realised that his 38 year-old employee did not look a day over 21 and eventually introduced her to Parisian society as Mademoiselle Juliette Twigé.

When Olay died in 1762 he entrusted his son Pierre with the care and maintenance of the 53 year-old woman, leaving him detailed instructions about how to change her identity every 25 years.

Over the generations Twiggy has been reinvented as a French aristocrat, a German industrialist and a Highland warrior before taking the name Lesley Hornby in 1949 and dazzling swinging London with her waifish charm and detailed knowledge of Bulgarian dairy farming.

A company spokesman said: "This whole thing has unravelled remarkably quickly.

"Twiggy has seen things you would not believe. We all have a lot to learn from her."

PRIMARK TO CHARGE CUSTOMERS JUST TO CHUCK STUFF ON THE FLOOR
CHEAP clothes giant Primark is to stop selling clothes and instead simply charge the public to come and mess up its shops.
As rocketing cotton prices threaten to end the phenomenon of skirts costing less than a handful of Blackjacks, the retail chain will refocus its business model around what it describes as the 'therapeutic demolition' of its rails.

A spokesman said: "The Primark experience has always been primarily about chucking things on the floor, or throwing them on top of other things in a crumpled heap.

"For a reasonable hourly rate customers, 99.73% female, will be able to run around the shop going fucking mental, hurling budget tops around in a dervish-like fashion.

"For a small surcharge they can tear items apart with their teeth, shoot them with rifles or even set fire to certain designated areas of the shop.

"It's the future of retail, happening right now."

Primark customer Emma Bradford said: "To me it's the closest thing to being back in my teenage bedroom. Sure I like the cheap stuff but really it's more about creating a chaotic dump safe in the knowledge that no-one cares enough to fuck with me.

"Possibly it's an anti-authority thing, or a holdover from some sort of prehistoric ritual. It's certainly the nearest I get to being a maverick crazy bitch since I became a housewife."

She added: "Either way, a big Primark at 5.30pm on a Saturday is the closest you'll get to a physical manifestation of the mind of a pre-menstrual woman."

A Queensland farmer drove to a neighbours' farmhouse in his Holden ute, and knocked at the door.

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

"Is your Dad home?" said the farmer.

"No mate, he isn't; he went to town."

"Well, is your Mother here?"

"No, she went to town with Dad."

"How about your brother, Howard? Is he here?"

"No mate, he went with Mum and Dad."

The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, and mumbling to himself.

"Is there anything I can do for you? I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow one, or I can give Dad a message."

"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant".

The boy thought for a moment. "You would definitely have to talk to Dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bull and $50 for the pig, but I don't know how much he charges for Howard."

ha