Crossword Help Forum
Forum Rules

A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology explaining the phenomenon of "mixed emotions".

The husband turned to his wife and said "What a load of crap.I bet you can't tell me anything that will make me happy and sad,at the same time".

She said "Out of all your friends,you have the biggest dick"

A couple of driving tips.

Speed humps don't work. If anything they slow you down.

Try braking hard to put some 00mph into your driving.

There are only 10 types of people in the world - those who understand binary notation and those who don't.

What a bunch of bores.

I am very silly.

The other day I came home and a guy was jogging, naked. I asked him, 'Why?' He said, 'Because you came home early.'

Crossing the road one morning a man noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery.
A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one.
Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a dog on a leash.
Behind him, a short distance back, were about 200 men walking single file.
The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said, 'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
'What happened to her?'
The man replied, 'My dog attacked and killed her'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence ensued. 'Can I borrow the dog?'



'Join the queue'

Sign on the back of Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"

Legendary quotes on France

' France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.'

Mark Twain

------------ --------- ---------

'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'

General George S. Patton

------------ --------- ---------

'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'

Norman Schwarzkopf

------------ --------- ---------

'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.'

Marge Simpson

------------ --------- ---------

'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.'

Jacques Chirac, President of France

------------ --------- ---------

'The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.'

Regis Philbin

------------ --------- ---------

'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.'

John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

------------ --------- ---------

'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.'

David Letterman

------------ --------- ---------

'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada .'

Ted Nugent

------------ --------- ---------

'War without France would be like…World War II.'

Unknown

------------ --------- ---------

'The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq , then France .''

Tom Brokaw

------------ --------- ---------

'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?'

Dennis Miller

------------ --------- ---------

'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'

Alan Kent

------------ --------- --------

'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.'

Argus Hamilton

------------ --------- ---------

'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day…the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.''

Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

------------ --------- --------

'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq '

Dennis Miller

------------ --------- ---------

Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

------------ --------- --------

'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried.'

Rep. R. Blount, MO

------------ --------- ---------

'Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining.'

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

------------ --------- ---------

French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

This one.