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Legendary quotes on France

' France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country. France has usually been governed by prostitutes.'

Mark Twain

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'I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me.'

General George S. Patton

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'Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your accordion.'

Norman Schwarzkopf

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'We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.'

Marge Simpson

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'As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure.'

Jacques Chirac, President of France

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'The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is sitting in Paris sipping coffee.'

Regis Philbin

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'You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it.'

John McCain, U.S. Senator from Arizona

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'The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag.'

David Letterman

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'Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada .'

Ted Nugent

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'War without France would be like…World War II.'

Unknown

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'The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D.C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq , then France .''

Tom Brokaw

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'What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its national will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?'

Dennis Miller

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'It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us.'

Alan Kent

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'They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house.'

Argus Hamilton

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'Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day…the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once.''

Rep. Roy Blunt, MO

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'The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq '

Dennis Miller

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Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?

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'Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried.'

Rep. R. Blount, MO

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'Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining.'

John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv

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French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris , March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris , caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

This one.

I bet those miners are glad they got out before the Americans decided to come and rescue them.

The wife is away this weekend, I got drunk with a few mates last night.
When I woke up this morning our white cat had been dyed pink,so I have spent 8 hours today cleaning it off before the wife gets back. It's almost done but there is a stubborn spot underneath its tail I can't get off. I tried using a wire brush but if anything that has made it worse.

The first task for the Chilean miners after their release,is to visit Anfield and teach Roy Hodgson how to get out of a bloody big hole before Christmas.

Why aren`t marriage licences renewable on an annual basis like vehicle excise licences?

Why don't sheep shrink in the rain?

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter.

There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi TU understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

"TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"

By the time you have read through this you will understand "TANJOOBERRYMUTTS"
You will also be ready for anything Chinese

So here goes


The following is a telephonic exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and room-service in China

Room Service : "Morrin. Loom sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Loom sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I'd like to order bacon and eggs."

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?"

Guest: "What??"

Room Service: "Ow ulai den?!? Pryed, boyud, potchd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry, scrambled please."

Room Service: "Ow ulai dee bayken ? Creepse?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. ulai sahn toes?"

Guest: "I don't think so."

Room Service: "No? Udo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don't know what 'udo wan sahn toes' means."

Room Service: "Toes! Toes!...Why Uoo don wan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we botter?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin! !! I've got it! You were saying 'toast'Fine. Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We botter?"

Guest: "No, just put the botter on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

Room Service: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

Room Service: "Copy, tea, meelk?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee please, and that's everything."

Room Service: "One Minnie. Scramah ekk, creepse bayken , Anglish moppin, we botter on sigh and copy ... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say."

Room Service: "Tanjooberrymutts."

Guest: "You're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TANJOOBERRYMUTTS'
..... and you do, don't you?”

Just heard Wayne Rooney is signing for Man City.
They offered him 200 Grans a week.