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Inner Peace

I am passing this on to you because it definitely worked for me today, and we all could probably use more calm in our lives!

Some doctor on the TV this morning said that the way to achieve inner peace is to finish all the things you have started.

So I looked around my house to see things I'd started and hadn't finished and, before leaving the house this morning, I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of shhhardonay, a bodle of Baileys, a  butle of vocka, a pockage of Pringlies, the res of the Chesescke a n a box a
chocolets. Yu haf no idr ow frigin gud I fel. Peas sen dis orn to anyy yu fee ar in ned ov inr pece.

From the D.M.

ITV is to refresh its Saturday night schedules with the motiveless abuse show You've Been A Shit.
Members of the public will be invited to send in clips of them tying dogs to motorway central reservations and psychologically bullying the mentally fragile.

Abandoning the traditional message assuring viewers that nobody was hurt, a large part of YBAS will be devoted to detailing the lasting physical and mental damage to all those involved.

Producer, Bill McKay, said: "Anyone who's been outdoors for more than 12 seconds will know that Britain is crammed to bursting with slate-eyed, donkey-punching sadists who love nothing more than watching shaky footage of other sadists pissing on the dying embers of mankind's decency.

"With funny graphics and a swanee whistle."

Carlisle recidivist and banned pet-owner Wayne Hayes said he could not wait for the new show.

"I've got some mint footage of our little Glee setting fire to her classmate's hair on an iPhone I nicked from our social worker. How much do I get for that?"

McKay added: "Thirty years ago, this sort of thing would inevitably have inspired the likes of Huw Wheldon to commission a 12-part documentary exploring the various political, economic and sociological factors.

"But instead we've got a third-rate stand-up laughing over footage of a Bangladeshi off-license owner being chased by a Doberman."

Found a great way to get a huge refund from the Inland Revenue. Tell them you live by the seaside.

A young Navy Officer was in a bad car accident, but due to the heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the loss of one ear.
Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in the military and eventually became an Admiral. During his career he was always sensitive about his appearance.

One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the Command Master Chief position.

The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him, "Do you
Notice anything different about me?"

The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this impacts your
Hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry at this lack of tact
And threw him out of his office.

The next candidate, an Aviation Master Chief, when asked this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one ear." The Admiral threw him out also.

The third interview was with a Submarine Service Master Chief. He was articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the other two
Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy, but went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything different about me?"

To his surprise the Submarine Service Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear contact lenses."

The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an incredibly tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the Admiral asked.

The Submarine Service Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to wear glasses with only one fucking ear."

At the end of the tax year, the Inland Revenue office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital.

While the agent was checking the books he turned to the Accountant of the Hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?"

"Good question," noted the Accountant. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every now and then they send us a free box of bandages."

"Oh," replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer.

But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases? What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?"

"Ah, yes," replied the Hospital Accountant, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer, and every now and then they send us a free package of plaster."

"I see," replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Accountant.

"Well," he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste," answered the Accountant. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the Inland Revenue Office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick!"

Subject: The Pastor's Ass

There was once a Pastor who owned a donkey which he trained like a greyhound.

One day,the Pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won.

The Pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it again the following week and it won again.

The local paper read:

PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT.

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered
the Pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day the local paper headline read:
BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS.

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Pastor to get rid of the donkey.

The Pastor decided to give it to a Nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline:

NOW NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The Bishop fainted.

He informed the Nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read:

NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10...

This was too much for the Bishop so he ordered the Nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

This the Nun duly did and next day the headlines read:

NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS NOW WILD AND FREE.

The Bishop was buried the next day!

The moral of the story is . . . being concerned about public opinion
can bring you much grief and misery . . even shorten your life.

So be yourself and enjoy life.

Stop worrying about everyone else's ass and you'll be a lot happier and live longer!

terry, I'm being thick, I don't understand 894.
Also, I can't take the Miliband of Brothers seriously; do they remind anyone else of Mike and Bernie Winters?

Sorry Bees.
I know it's not a very good joke but I didn't think it was that bad. Inland/seaside. seaside not inland.so why should I pay inland tax if I don't live inland.

... and Harriet Harman looks a bit like Schnorbitz,or a dog at least.
ouch,meow, i really shoudn't post this rubbish,but not many people view these large threads do they?

Sorry Terry, I really was being thick, wasn't I?
It's a good gag; I wish I'd thought of it. But it obviously would have taxed my brain too much.