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A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

THE FEMALE DEMERIT SYSTEM

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
... in the rain (+8)
... but return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school
friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)


HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
... and it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,
and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)


A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)


COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)

A woman went to the doctor's surgery where she was seen by one of the younger doctors.After about four minutes in the examination room,she burst out screaming as she ran down the hall.
An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was,and she told him her story.
After listening,he had her sit down and relax in another room.The older doctor marched down the hallway back to where the younger doctor was writing on his clipboard.
"What's the matter with you?"the older doctor demanded."Mrs.Green is sixty one years old ,has four grown children and seven grandchildren,and you told her that she was pregnant".
The younger doctor continued writing and without looking up said,
"Does she still have the hiccups?"

DIETING UNDER STRESS.

1. If you eat something and no one sees you then the food has no calories.
2. When you eat with comeone else, the calories do not count if they eat more than you do.
3. If you drink a diet cola with a chocolate bar, the diet cola cancels the calories in the chocolate.
4. Broken biscuits contain no calories - the process of breaking causes calorie leakage.
5. Food used for medicinal purposes never counts; e.g. hot chocolate for relaxation; brandy for fortification; toast and cheesecake as antidpressants.
6. It is recommended that you fatten up everyone around you so that you appear slimmer.
7. Food licked off cutlery or out of a bowl has no calories if you are following a recipe, e.g. butter icing on a cake; the remains of a scone mixture; cream for the top of a trifle.
8. TV and cinema food contain no calories as they are part of the whole entertainment package.
9. Foods of the same colour have the same number of calories, e.g. spinach and mint ice cream; mushrooms and white chocolate; water and a large gin and tonic.
10.Athletes eat huge amounts of pasta before races like the marathon. It's a myth that you have to run 26 miles to work it off. One brisk trot around the settee is quite sufficient to wipe out one bowl of spaghetti. Twice round the living room will use up as much energy that a chocolate bar is required to supplement your sugar level and rebuild your strength.

Good Luck !!

Check out the second verse of http://lyricsplayground.com/alpha/songs/t/thesunhasgothishaton.shtml" target="blank" > this popular song.

Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Lab turned to the Chocolate Lab and said, "So why are you here?"

The Chocolate Lab replied, "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The Yellow Lab said, "So what is the vet going to do?"

"Gonna cut my nuts off," came the reply from the Chocolate Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down."

The Yellow Lab then turned to the Black Lab and asked "why are you here?"

The Black Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

"So what are they going to do to you?" the Yellow Lab inquired.

"Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Black Lab said.

The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, "Why are you here?"

"I'm a humper," the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, and fence posts, whatever. I want to hump everything I see.”

Yesterday, my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The Black and the Chocolate Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh?"

The Great Dane said, "No, I'm here to get my nails clipped.”

This thread had crept all the way down to page 17, but it's back!
In a menage-a-trois, does the most inhibited person get a bronze medal for coming third?

Thanks Bees - I been away.

Have you ever wondered what happens to old computers that you have sent for recycling? Here's the answer: http://www.nytimes.com/slideshow/2010/08/04/magazine/20100815-dump.html

Traveling down the interstate and needing to use the restroom,
I stopped at a rest area and headed to the restroom.


I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall saying:
"Hi, how are you?"

I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom and I don't know what got into me,
But I answered, somewhat embarrassed,
"Doin' just fine!"

And the other person says:
"So what are you up to?"

What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say:
"Uhhh, I'm like you, just traveling!"??

At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
"Can I come over?"

Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation.. I tell them
"No..I'm a little busy right now!!!"


Then I hear the person say nervously...
"Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions


Cell phones, don't you just love them!

A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats.
It's doing well.






He says Prophets are going through the roof.