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The Wythenshawe Asda Greeter

A very loud, greasy, unattractive, tattooed, welfare dependent, chav, minger, woman wearing a 10 year old Blues top walked into ASDA in Wythenshawe, with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The ASDA greeter said pleasantly,
'Good morning madam, and welcome to ASDA.
Nice children you have there. Are they twins by any chance?'

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, 'F**k no, they're not twins.
The oldest one's nine, and the other one's six
Why the f**k would you think they're twins?
Are you blind, thick or just f*****g stupid?'

'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam,'replied the greeter.
'I just couldn't believe you've been shagged twice.
Have a good day, and thank you for shopping at ASDA.'



He got a final warning but reckoned it was worth it to see the look on her face.

A group of 40-something guys are discussing where they should meet for dinner. Finally it is agreed that they will meet at the Black Forest Inn because they have the prettiest waitresses all wearing low-cut blouses.

Ten years later, when the guys are 50-something, the group again discusses where to meet. Finally it is agreed that they will meet at the Black Forest Inn because the food there is very good and they have a good wine selection.

Ten years later, when the guys are now 60-something, the group once again discusses where to meet. They agree that they should meet at, you guessed it, the Black Forest Inn. This time because it's quiet and smoke-free.

Another ten years pass, and now 70-something, the group is deciding where to meet. After a brief discussion, it is agreed that they should meet at the Black Forest Inn...because the restaurant is wheelchair accessible and has an elevator.

Ten years later, wouldn't you know it, at 80-something, the group is having a discussion about where to meet. After a couple of hours with many, many suggestions, they agree that they should meet at the Black Forest Inn.

After all, they've never been there before.

From the DM:-

HONDA JAZZ FILLED WITH SCORPIONS
10-02-10
CAR giant Honda last night confirmed that its Jazz supermini hatchback is full of deadly scorpions.
The company is to recall more than 80,000 cars but insists the scorpion removal should take less than 30 minutes at a main dealer, as long as the mechanic has taken his anti-venom pills.

A spokesman said; "It was something that sneaked in at the design phase. Instead of allowing an extra 4.5 millimetres for the reverse-flow air duct, the design engineer accidentally included 800 Arizona Bark scorpions.

"In a big company like this, where projects get rubber-stamped and sent on to the next department, deadly scorpion inclusion is one of those things that can easily be overlooked.

"By the time we started production at our factory in the Belgian Congo we already had 64 million scorpions sitting around in massive bins just waiting to be installed."

Jazz driver Joanna Kramer, from York, said: "To be honest I haven't really noticed. My husband Geoff did die suddenly about three months ago on the way back from the Clifton Moor shopping centre, but the post-mortem said blood poisoning so we just assumed it was the McFlurry."

She added: "I suppose I'll take it into the garage, but it's an awful nuisance as I'm supposed to go to the doctor this morning about this throbbing, green lump on my left thigh and my alarming shortness of breath."

Meanwhile Toyota has agreed to a global recall of the hybrid Prius model amid complaints the brakes did not work particularly well on icy roads even though that is starting to sound like it might be bullshit.

The dentist pulls out a Novocaine needle to give the man a shot, so he can extract the man's tooth. 'No way! No needles. I hate needles' the patient said. The dentist starts to hook up the nitrous oxide and the man objects I can't do the gas thing. The thought of having the gas mask on is suffocating to me! The dentist then asks the patient if he has any objection to taking a pill. 'No objection,' the patient says. 'I'm fine with pills.'


The dentist then returns and says, Here's a Viagra tablet.' The patient says, 'Wow! I didn't know Viagra worked as a pain killer!' "It doesn't'
said the dentist, 'but it's going to give you something to hold on to when I pull your tooth.

Lets put some sanity back into this site;

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the
confessional, The man said: 'Father .... During World War II, a beautiful Jewish woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.'

The priest replied: 'That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that.'

'There is more to tell, Father... She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays.'

The priest said, 'That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger. but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven.'

'Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question.'

'And what is that?' asked the priest.

'Should I tell her the war is over?''

This is a sort of vampire thread, isn't it? Every time you think it's dead, someone leaves the door open and it creeps out of the crypt.

Ah yes, but it's only a few who know where to look for it!

Maybe just like sanctuary in Logans Run (remember that?)

For Helena:-

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Asda . Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.


Police stop a Pakistani in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".


4 illegal immigrants were suffocated in the back of a Tesco lorry last night. Every little helps.


Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them. "B*lls to that" said Paddy "that's the last time I go lion dancing"


63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning. It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .