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An Aussie walks into a pub and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, 'Is your date running late?'

'No,' he replies,'I just got this state-of the-art watch, and I was just testing it.'

Intrigued, the woman says, 'A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?'

The Aussie explains, 'It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.'

The lady asks, 'What's it telling you now?'

'Well, it says you're not wearing any panties.'

The woman giggles and replies, 'Well it must be broken because I most certainly am wearing panties!'

The Aussie smiles, taps his watch and says, 'Bloody thing's an hour fast!'

Voted Best Joke in Ireland

John O'Reilly hoisted his beer and said, "Here's to spending the rest of me life,
Between the legs of me wife!"
That won him the top prize at the pub for the best toast of the night!
He went home and told his wife, Mary, "I won the prize for the Best toast of the night."

She said, "Aye, did ye now. And what was your toast?" John said, "Here's to spending
The rest of me life, sitting in church beside me wife."
" Oh, that is very nice indeed, John!" Mary said.
The next day, Mary ran into one of John's drinking buddies on the street corner.
The man chuckled leeringly and said, "John won the prize the other night at the pub
With a toast about you, Mary."
She said, "Aye, he told me, and I was a bit surprised myself. You know, he's only
Been in there twice in the last four years. Once he fell asleep, and the other time I had to pull him by the ears to make him come."

Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?

"The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday."

This announcement followed Ferrari's decision to take advantage of the British government's 'Work for your Dole' scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters.

The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to remove a set of wheels in less than 6 seconds without proper equipment, whereas Ferrari's existing crew could only do it in 8 seconds with millions of pounds worth of high tech gear.


It was thought to be an excellent, bold move by the Ferrari management team as most races are won and lost in the pits, giving Ferrari an advantage over every other team. However, Ferrari got more than they bargained for!

At the crew's first practice session, not only was the scouse pit crew able to change all four wheels in under 6 seconds but, within 12 seconds, they had re-sprayed, re-badged and sold the car to the Mclaren team for 8 cases of Stella, a bag of weed and some photos of Lewis Hamilton's bird in the shower.

Correct use of capitalization is important.

Capitalization is the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse, and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

I went on Dragons Den the other night and showed them my old dads shotgun.Peter Jones said'And what's your idea?" I replied "It's a simple concept Peter,just put the money in the f?????g bag!"

Anagram of Sarah - a rash. Enough said.

soon be christmas

A teacher asks the class to name things that end with 'tor' that eat things.

The first little boy says, "Alligator."
"Very good, that's a big word."

The second boy says, "Predator."
"Yes, that's another big word. Well done."

Little Johnny says, "Vibrator, Miss."
After nearly falling off her chair, she says,
"That is a big word, but it doesn't eat anything."
"Well my sister has one and she says it eats f*cking batteries like there's no tomorrow!