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From the DM.

THE Chinese were celebrating another great leap forward today as their lives finally achieved Western levels of hellish pointlessness.
Thousands of people stuck in a 10-day long traffic jam near Beijing sounded their car horns to mark the moment China matched Europe and the US for self-defeating greed and impotent fury.

Wan Jing, an accountant, said: "I am constantly filled with anxiety, I cannot sleep and my once busy penis now flops pathetically like the neck of a recently strangled duck. It is a great victory for the wise men of the Central Committee.

"I think of my mother and father working in the fields and eating three meals a day with their family and friends before telling each other wondrous stories and drifting off to sleep. What utter morons.

"I doubt they could ever, in their wildest dreams, have imagined me sitting here going absolutely nowhere for 10 days and winding myself into a tight ball of never-ending hate - in a brand new Golf GTI!"

Yang Shao, a construction foreman, said: "Confucius would no doubt say that in finding one's way one can lose one's way. But he was just some old fucker who lived in a tree.

"The world will quake with fear at the sight of our massive jam and see that we now have the economic and technological wherewithal to completely ruin our lives."

He added: "My grandfather lived to the ridiculous age of 117 and was finally killed by a car when he was running across the road to buy some cigarettes.

"It is my dream to be the first member of my family to die of a stroke at the age of 52, preferably behind the wheel of my Audi as I plough across four lanes of world-beating rush hour traffic.

"I'd like to see Confucius come up with something clever about that."

Confucius might say:
Life is really simple, but we insist on making it complicated.
OR:
It does not matter how slowly you go as long as you do not stop.

Michael and Larry got married in California.

They couldn't afford a honeymoon so they go back to Michael's Mom and Dad's house in Corner Brook for their first married night together.

In the morning, Johnny, Michael's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast
.
As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his mom if Michael and Larry are up yet.
She replies, 'No'.
Johnny asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school.'

Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, 'Are Michael and Larry up yet?'
She replies, 'No.'
Johnny says, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school '

After school, Johnny comes home and asks again,
'Are Michael and Larry up yet?'
His mom says, 'No.'
He asks, 'Do you know what I think?'
His mom replies, 'OK, now tell me what you think.'


He says: 'Last night Michael came to my room for the Vaseline and I think...... I gave him my airplane glue.'

A man is recovering from surgery when the Surgical Nurse appears and asks him how he is feeling.

'I'm O. K. But I didn't like the four letter-words the doctor used in surgery,' he answered.

'What did he say,' asked the nurse.

'Oops!'

Two Mexican detectives were investigating the murder of Juan Gonzalez.

'How was he killed?' asked one detective.

'With a golf gun,' the other detective replied.

'A golf gun! What is a golf gun?'

'I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan.'

How can I get to the last thread added without either going through it or posting a thread??

From the first page, go to any of the page numbers showing (ie up to 10). Then go to the top of the screen and change the offset number to 880

Thanks Bees. I did that and it hasn't worked for me!!! After changing offste no what do I do??? I'm just a bit thick!

From the D.M.

PUB chain Wetherspoons is to open outlets in accident and emergency departments for injured brawlers who want another drink.
The hospital pubs will cater primarily for the weekend crowd of young, bleeding partygoers who have just been in a drunken, violent fight about nothing.

A spokesman said: "These outlets will be designed in a way that is sensitive to the other patients. There won't be any loud music or fruit machines. Just booze, value for money food and a fag machine.

"They will also have appropriate names like 'The 16 Stitches', 'The Mutiple Contusion' and 'The Face and Bottle'."

He added: "There is a long tradition of drunk people having their limbs sawn off going back to the Napoleonic wars. Admittedly they were soldiers and sailors rather than people who had received a shoeing outside a kebab shop that was largely their own fault."

A&E consultant, Dr Roy Hobbs, said: "There is a fear that drunk, aggressive people will continue to drink and become more aggressive if they are effectively being stretchered into another pub.

"However I'd prefer them to be unconscious through drink rather than three-quarters pissed and trying to bite my face off."

Julian Cook, who gets in a fight with a human or an object most weekends, said: "I don't think there's anything wrong with enjoying a pint and a cajun platter while waiting for your head to be pieced back together.

"And I will of course behave responsibly, as long as none of you fuckers gives me a funny look."

Do we have to have the vulgarity?