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From the D.M.

DAVID Cameron will today ask President Obama if there is any chance he could bring back Dallas.
As he embarks on his first official trip to Washington, the prime minister said Britain and the US had to be 'realistic' about the special relationship and what it could achieve on behalf of television viewers in both countries.

As the two men meet in the Oval Office, a new series of Dallas, the possibility of a Friends movie and the American version of The Office will join Afghanistan, BP and the release of the Lockerbie bomber on the list of things that neither of them can do anything about.

Writing in the Wall Street Journal, Mr Cameron insisted: "If there was to be a new series of Dallas Britain could exert a positive influence to ensure there were plenty of scenes involving JR and Cliff Barnes, rather than Sue Ellen's drunken quivering or a repeat of the Patrick Duffy bathroom resurrection debacle."

He added: "We need to stop obsessing about our relationship with America and accept that they now make better television programmes than us. They may not have a David Attenborough, but we do not have a Stargate Bananaverse, a Desperate Old Tarts or a Crime Scene: Navy Crime."

A White House spokesman said that while a new Dallas was always on the table, President Obama wanted reassurances from Mr Cameron that he would act against any British television programme that causes massive environmental damage on US soil.

He added: "After Little Britain USA we did have the USS Nimitz parked off Anglesey for a couple of weeks. And all we can say about our version of Life in Mars in comparison to yours is that at least ours wasn't over-rated."

A British Embassy source in Washington said: "The Bush presidency gave Britain a golden opportunity to lobby for the return of Dallas, but all Tony Blair wanted to talk about was oil companies and Jesus, while Gordon Brown just sat there staring at the wall."

From the D.M.

A FEW people in Britain are still getting the broadband speed that was in the advert, according to new research.
Regulator Ofcom found that as many as 37 people, mostly in urban areas, are receiving speeds of up to 20 megabytes and can download an entire film in less than the average lifespan of a cat.

The government has now warned the industry that it must stick to its pledge to continually reduce the percentage of people it is not ripping off with the most breath-taking simplicity.

Stephen Malley, a telecoms analyst at Porter, Pinkney and Turner, said: "Over a decade ago BT launched an ambitious rolling programme to dig up thousands of British roads to install fibre optic cable, before waiting for two weeks and then digging them up all over again and removing it.

"Obviously this was not about actually improving broadband speeds, it was about making people so frustrated with road works and traffic jams that they would give up their jobs and sit around at home all day playing online bingo over an incredibly poor broadband connection that bears no relation to the advert with the ginger tosspot and his piss-faced girlfriend."

But Malley said an administrative error meant that some of the fibre optic cable was left in place, resulting in more than three dozen people who had no need to call a helpline at £2.50 a second or be ground into whimpering submission by BT's Utter Fucking Bastard Department.

The UK telecoms industry has now pledged to rip out the last few remaining yards of fibre optic cable and replace it with a load of stretched-out coat hangers.

A spokesman for BT Openreach said: "These coat hangers are made from top quality Bulgarian tungsten and can run up to three bingo sites at the same time."

This is why Scots are smart, practical, and sensitive!

A Catholic priest, a doctor, a rich businessman and a Scotsman from Glasgow were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them.

The Scotsman fumed, 'What's with that bunch? We're waiting fifteen minutes between shots!'

The doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'

The rich businessman called out, 'Get a move on, time is money!'

The Catholic priest said, 'Here comes the green keeper. Let's have a word with him. 'Excuse me, sir!' said the priest, 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'

The greenkeeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.'

The group fell silent for a moment.

The Catholic priest said, 'That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'

The doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything that he might be able to do for them.'

The rich businessman replied, 'I think I'll donate £10,000 to the fire fighters union in honour of these brave souls!'




The Scotsman said, 'Why the f**k can't they play at night?

Should this be posted in every school?

Bill Gates recently gave a speech at a High School about 11 things they did not and will not learn in school. He talks about how feel-good, politically correct teachings created a generation of kids with no concept of reality and how this concept set them up for failure in the real world.

Rule 1 : Life is not fair - get used to it!

Rule 2 : The world doesn't care about your self-esteem. The world will expect you to accomplish something BEFORE you feel good about yourself.

Rule 3 : You will NOT make $60,000 a year right out of high school. You won't be a vice-president with a car phone until you earn both.

Rule 4 : If you think your teacher is tough, wait 'till you get a boss.

Rule 5 : Flipping burgers is not beneath your dignity. Your Grandparents had a different word for burger flipping: they called it opportunity.

Rule 6 : If you mess up, it's not your parents' fault , so don't whine about your mistakes, learn from them.

Rule 7 : Before you were born, your parents weren't as boring as they are now.. They got that way from paying your bills, cleaning your clothes and listening to you talk about how cool you thought you were. So before you save the rain forest from the parasites of your parent's generation, try delousing the closet in your own room.

Rule 8 : Your school may have done away with winners and losers, but life HAS NOT. In some schools, they have abolished failing grades and they'll give you as MANY TIMES as you want to get the right answer. This doesn't bear the slightest resemblance to ANYTHING in real life.

Rule 9 : Life is not divided into semesters. You don't get summers off and very few employers are interested in helping you FIND YOURSELF. Do that on your own time.

Rule 10 : Television is NOT real life. In real life people actually have to leave the coffee shop and go to jobs.

Rule 11 : Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one.

Sam stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.

He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.

Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'

'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' Sam explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'

His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.'

Let's put the seniors in jail and the criminals in a nursing home.
In jail:
This way the seniors would have access to showers, hobbies and walks.
They'd receive unlimited free prescriptions, dental and medical treatment, wheel chairs etc and they'd receive money instead of paying it out.
They would have constant video monitoring, so they could be helped instantly, if they fell, or needed assistance.
Bedding would be washed twice a week, and all clothing would be ironed and returned to them. A guard would check on them every 20 minutes and bring their meals and snacks to their cell.
They would have family visits in a suite built for that purpose.
They would have access to a library, weight room, spiritual counseling, pool and education.
Simple clothing, shoes, slippers, PJ's and legal aid would be free, on request.
Private, secure rooms for all, with an exercise outdoor yard, with gardens.
Each senior could have a PC a TV radio and daily phone calls.
There would be a board of directors to hear complaints, and the guards would have a code of conduct that would be strictly adhered to.
In a home:
The "criminals" would get cold food, be left all alone and unsupervised.
Lights off at 8pm , and showers once a week.
Live in a tiny room and pay £900.00 per month and have no hope of ever getting out.
Justice for all we say.

The good thing about Natural Selection is that sooner or later the Creationists will become extinct.

=: FOR WOMEN ONLY :=

~ Reason to smile: every 7 minutes of every day, someone in an aerobic class pulls a hamstring.

~ Women over 50 don't have babies, because they would put them down and forget where they left them.

~ One of life's mysteries is how a 2 lb box of candy can make a woman gain 5 lbs.

~ The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends.

~ Amazing! You hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes!

~ I read this article that said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, impulse buying, and driving too fast. Are they kidding? That is my idea of a perfect day.

~ I know what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody older than 30 can fit into their stuff.

~ If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

A bride on her wedding night says to her husband 'I must confess darling, I was a hooker!'.
He says 'That's all right, dear. Your past is your past, but I must admit that I find it quite erotic. Tell me about it'.
She replies 'Well, my name was Nigel, and I played for Wigan !'.

THE FEMALE DEMERIT SYSTEM

In the world of romance, one single rule applies:
Make the woman happy.
Do something she likes and you get points.
Do something she dislikes and points are subtracted.
You don't get any points for doing something she expects.
Sorry, that's the way the game is played.

Here is a guide to the point system:


SIMPLE DUTIES

You make the bed (+1)
You make the bed, but forget the decorative pillow (0)
You throw the bedspread over rumpled sheets (-1)
You go out to buy her what she wants (+5)
... in the rain (+8)
... but return with Beer (-5)
You check out a suspicious noise at night (+1)
You check out a suspicious noise, and it is nothing (0)
You check out a suspicious noise and it is something (+5)
You pummel it with an iron rod (+10)
It's her pet (-20)


SOCIAL ENGAGEMENTS

You stay by her side the entire party (0)
You stay by her side for a while, then leave to chat with an old school
friend (-2)
Named Tina (-10)
Tina is a dancer (-20)
Tina has silicone implants (-80)


HER BIRTHDAY

You take her out to dinner (+2)
You take her out to dinner and it's not a sports bar (+3)
Okay, it's a sports bar (-2)
... and it's all-you-can-eat night (-3)
It's a sports bar, it's all-you-can-eat night,
and your face is painted the colours of your favourite team (-10)


A NIGHT OUT

You take her to a movie (+1)
You take her to a movie she likes (+3)
You take her to a movie you hate (+6)
You take her to a movie you like (-2)
It's called 'Death Cop' (-3)
You lied and said it was a foreign film about orphans (-15)


YOUR PHYSIQUE

You develop a noticeable potbelly (-15)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and exercise to get rid of it (+10)
You develop a noticeable potbelly and resort to baggy jeans and baggy Hawaiian shirts (-30)
You say, "It doesn't matter, you have one too." (-8000)


THE BIG QUESTION

She asks, "Do I look fat?" (-5) (Yes, you lose points no matter what)
You hesitate in responding (-10)
You reply, "Where?" (-35)
Any other response (-20)


COMMUNICATION

When she wants to talk about a problem, you listen, displaying what looks like a concerned expression (0)
You listen, for over 30 minutes (+50)
You listen for more than 30 minutes without looking at the TV (+500)
She realizes this is because you have fallen asleep (-4000)