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Helena -yes.

Just had to post this:-


This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors. An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.

This story is a credit to all humankind.

Dear Lions Bay School ,


God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My roommate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.

The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I told her to fuck off.

Thank you for that opportunity.

Sincerely,

Edna

Came across this one in the Liverpool Echo.
JUST HOLDING HANDS
Old Mary hadtwo Yorkshire Terriers
One rampant male and one bitch
And over the years she sold their offspring
Which made the old lady quite rich
But one morning and this is so sad
Mary arose from her bed
And there on the floor a terrible sight
Where her little Yorkies,both dead.
Old Mary decided to have them both stuffed
She thought i'll phone up on the morrow
She said,'They'll look grand stuffed on a stand'
They helped her a touch in her sorrow.
Next day in the rain the stufferer came
A very good man when it counted
He asked the old lady how she wanted her dogs
He asked 'Do you want them both mounted?''
Old Mary embarrassed as she pictured the sight
And still feeling sad and quite rough
Said,'Having them mounted is going to far
I think holding hands is enough.''





























ame across this one in the Liverpool Echo.

IDIOT SIGHTING #1


My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the girl a £5 note. Our total was £4.20, so I also handed her a Twenty pence piece. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but that way you can just give me a pound back. 'She was puzzled and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 20 pence and said 'We're sorry but they could not do that kind of thing.'

The girl then proceeded to give me back 80 pence in change!
Do not confuse the staff at MacDonald’s.

Well, if it wasn't for the interloper posing as this thread, we would be at 699 posts by now instead of only 680. Can't win them all I suppose.

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came
home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome
the compulsion on his own.

.
.
.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did." he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

.
.
.
.
.
.

"Oh, she got fired too."

Why don't they make golf balls larger to stop them falling into holes?

Brian
How do you sell a homing pigeon?
Post 1 of 24Posted: 14th January 2010, 15:48
ColinE
Tie a false address on to it's leg!
Post 2 of 24Posted: 14th January 2010, 16:14
Bullfrog
You have to move house...
Post 3 of 24Posted: 14th January 2010, 16:54
nstone.co.uksk
EMPLOY AN ESTATE AGENT
Post 4 of 24Posted: 14th January 2010, 20:42
trevor
Snap its neck and bake it in a pie.
Post 5 of 24Posted: 14th January 2010, 20:56
mark
thats a bit harsh trevor.
Post 6 of 24Posted: 14th January 2010, 21:08
trevor
Mark,
Marinate it first dear boy,it tastes similar to Tiger flesh.
Post 7 of 24Posted: 14th January 2010, 21:17
terry
not as nice as Giant Panda with Seahorse mash.
Post 8 of 24Posted: 14th January 2010, 21:22
mark
oven is not big enough to fit giant panda in,any ideas.
Post 9 of 24Posted: 14th January 2010, 21:29
trevor
I Think some Panda cubs were recently bred in captivity, you could probably just deep fry one or two of those with a light garnish.
Post 10 of 24Posted: 14th January 2010, 21:55

IDIOT SIGHTING #2


We had to have the garage door repaired. The GARADOR repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute and said that we had the largest one GARADOR made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'Madam, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'

I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, "NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two."

We haven't used Garador repair since. Happened in Moor Park, Nr Watford UK

A pleasant verse:-

As I awoke this morning
When all good things were born
A robin lighted on my cill
To greet the coming dawn

He was so small and fragile
And so sweetly did he sing
That thoughts of joy and happiness
Into my heart did bring

I smiled so sweetly at him
As I lay there on my bed
And I slowly brought the window down
And crushed his f**kin' head.


Aaaaaahh!

The Meaning of Life

List of characters:-

Polarised Polar Cub = PPC

Mummy Polar Bear = MPB

Daddy Polar Bear = DPB

PPC
“Daddy, am I a pure polar bear?”

DPB
“Of course you are, pure as the driven snow.”

PPC
“Are you sure, now? Not part-grizzly bear,err,or brown bear, err, or any other kind of bear?”

DPB
“Of course I’m sure, you are pure polar bear. Why don’t you ask Mummy, She will tell you”

PPC
“Mummy, am I a pure polar bear?”

MPB
“Of course you are, pure as the driven snow.”

PPC
“Are you sure, now? Not part-grizzly bear, err, or brown bear, err, or any other kind of bear?”

MPB
“Of course I’m sure, you are pure polar bear. Why do you ask? Do you have o problem with that?

PPC
“Yes, I do, I’m F**KIN’ FREEZIN’

Aaaaaahhhh