robtherich
17th December 2009, 09:04
Deep breath everyone, think lovely thoughts; hello trees, hullo sky.
Anyone got a joke?
Anyone got a joke?
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john (from arran)
17th December 2009, 11:08
Is this one any good?
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde .
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
……………….
"Now what the F**k would you say?"
A farmer named Clyde had a car accident. In court, the trucking company's fancy hot shot lawyer was questioning Clyde .
"Didn't you say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine,'?" asked the lawyer.
Clyde responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the..."
"I didn't ask for any details", the lawyer interrupted. "Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?"
Clyde said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road...."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the Highway Patrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now several weeks after the accident he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Clyde's answer and said to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie".
Clyde thanked the Judge and proceeded. "Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign and smacked my truck right in the side. I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other. I was hurting, real bad and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shape just by her groans. Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her fatal condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Then the Patrolman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, "How are you feeling?"
……………….
"Now what the F**k would you say?"
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robtherich
17th December 2009, 13:45
That'll do nicely!
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mark
17th December 2009, 14:04
good that.
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john (from arran)
18th December 2009, 23:03
Seeing as you've all been having a little precipitation today down south, I though you might like this one. In order not to offend anyone this joke has be edited to comply with EU equality rules. I wonder if you can detect it's origin.
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in New York were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."
So one of them went out and moved the car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
One of them went out and moved the car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....".
Then the electric power went out. They very upset, and with a worried look one said to the other, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then with all the love and understanding that all partners who are married to bl**des exhibit, they replied, "Why don't you just leave the bl**dy car in the garage this time."
http://www.blue-room.org.uk/style_emoticons/default/Christmas_Smilie_rolleyes.gif" /> http://www.blue-room.org.uk/style_emoticons/default/Christmas_Smilie_rolleyes.gif" /> http://www.blue-room.org.uk/style_emoticons/default/Christmas_Smilie_rolleyes.gif" /> http://www.blue-room.org.uk/style_emoticons/default/Christmas_Smilie_rolleyes.gif" /> http://www.blue-room.org.uk/style_emoticons/default/Christmas_Smilie_rolleyes.gif" />
On a bitterly cold winter's morning a husband and wife in New York were listening to the radio during breakfast.
They heard the announcer say, "We are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snowplows can get through."
So one of them went out and moved the car.
A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snowplows can get through."
One of them went out and moved the car again.
The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today. You must park....".
Then the electric power went out. They very upset, and with a worried look one said to the other, "I don't know what to do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snowplows can get through?"
Then with all the love and understanding that all partners who are married to bl**des exhibit, they replied, "Why don't you just leave the bl**dy car in the garage this time."
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john (from arran)
18th December 2009, 23:05
Sorry lost something. I hope this is better.
http://www.blue-room.org.uk/style_emoticons/default/Christmas_Smilie_Wink.gif" /> http://www.blue-room.org.uk/style_emoticons/default/Christmas_Smilie_Wink.gif" /> http://www.blue-room.org.uk/style_emoticons/default/Christmas_Smilie_Wink.gif" /> http://www.blue-room.org.uk/style_emoticons/default/Christmas_Smilie_Wink.gif" /> http://www.blue-room.org.uk/style_emoticons/default/Christmas_Smilie_Wink.gif" />
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helena
20th December 2009, 14:24
as its approaching the end of the year i thought that we could post the most memorable clues we have encountered this year. my nonimations are
clue that made me smile - doesn't tick = buttocks (amused my still adolecent sense of humour)
the clue with the most correct answers - which is the odd one out? - 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90
clue that made me smile - doesn't tick = buttocks (amused my still adolecent sense of humour)
the clue with the most correct answers - which is the odd one out? - 30, 40, 50, 60, 70, 80, 90
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john (from arran)
20th December 2009, 16:13
The most memorable clue I encountered was:
H (9,5)
Had me going for hours until I figured it out:
FINISHING TOUCH
H (9,5)
Had me going for hours until I figured it out:
FINISHING TOUCH
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john (from arran)
22nd December 2009, 12:22
Not very seasonal, but quite funny and very PC.
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old automobile gearbox here, give me a hand and
we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the
brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a gearbox"
Two rednecks are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground.
They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says "Wow, that's some hole; I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is."
The second hunter says" I don't know, let's throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom."
The first hunter says "There's this old automobile gearbox here, give me a hand and
we'll throw it in and see". So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole.
They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the
brush behind them.
As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole and with no hesitation, jump in head first.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up.
"Say there", says the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?"
The first hunter says, "Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin' about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!"
The old farmer said "Why that's impossible, I had him chained to a gearbox"
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mark
22nd December 2009, 12:40
funny that john from arron all the best for christmas.
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