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Jingle Bells

Dashing through the snow
In a one horse open sleigh
O'er the fields we go
Laughing all the way

A risk assessment must be submitted before an open sleigh is considered safe for members of the public to travel on.
The risk assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only one horse for such a venture, particularly if passengers are of larger proportions.
Please note, permission must be gained from landowners before entering their fields.
To avoid offending those not participating in celebrations, we would request that laughter is moderate only and not loud enough to be considered a noise nuisance.

While Shepherds Watched

While shepherds watched
Their flocks by night
All seated on the ground,
The angel of the Lord came down
And glory shone around


The Union of Shepherds has complained that it breaches health and safety regulations to insist that shepherds watch their flocks without appropriate seating arrangements being provided, therefore benches, stools and orthopaedic chairs are now available. Shepherds have also requested that due to the inclement weather conditions at this time of year that they should watch their flocks via CCTV cameras from centrally heated shepherd observation huts.
Please note, the Angel of the Lord is reminded that before shining his / her glory all around she / he must ascertain that all shepherds have been issued with glasses capable of filtering out the harmful effects of UVA, UVB and the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Thank goodness the funnies are back...If the 3 wise men had been women, they would have arrived with a large casserole, cleaned the stable and watched the baby while Mary went and had her hair and nails done!!!!!

Celadon scrobe:

... glasses capable of filtering out ... the overwhelming effects of Glory.

Damn, what am I supposed to do now.

Just for you Helena:-

We Three Kings

We three kings of Orient are
Bearing gifts we traverse afar
Field and fountain, moor and mountain
Following yonder star

Whilst the gift of gold is still considered acceptable - as it may be redeemed at a later date through such organisations as 'Cash for Gold' etc, gifts of frankincense and myrrh are not appropriate due to the potential risk of oils and fragrances causing allergic reactions. A suggested gift alternative would be to make a donation to a worthy cause in the recipients name or perhaps give a gift voucher.
We would not advise that the traversing kings rely on navigation by stars in order to reach their destinations and suggest the use of RAC Routefinder or satellite navigation, which will provide the quickest route and advice regarding fuel consumption. Please note as per the guidelines from the RSPCA for Mr Donkey, the camels carrying the three kings of Orient will require regular food and rest breaks. Face masks for the three kings are also advisable due to the likelihood of dust from the camel feet.

Thanks, Celadon, You are the proberbial star we all strive to follow. Keep shining brightly!
Colin

Sorry, talking in proberbs instead of proverbs, again.
Colin

Sorry Helen about adding an 'a' to your name. Here is one for you:-

The Rocking Carol

Little Jesus, sweetly sleep, do not stir;
We will lend a coat of fur,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you,
We will rock you, rock you, rock you:

Fur is no longer appropriate wear for small infants, both due to risk of allergy to animal fur, and for ethical reasons.
Therefore faux fur, a nice cellular blanket or perhaps micro-fleece material should be considered a suitable alternative.

Please note, only persons who have been subject to a Criminal Records Bureau check and have enhanced clearance will be permitted to rock baby Jesus.
Persons must carry their CRB disclosure with them at all times and be prepared to provide three forms of identification before rocking commences.

Deck the halls with boughs of holly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.
Tis the season to be jolly,
Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Under recent European legislation, holly with spines on the outside is no longer legal and by 2013 must be replaced by the new style where all the pricks are on the inside.

Furthermore, following the latest legislation from the Safety Elves, La is no longer allowed to work alone and must be accompanied by another La, forming Lala pairs.

Finally, the Association of Local Government Administrative Executives (ALGAE), in the light of their resticted pay scales, expenses and bonuses, has recommended that jollity is forbidden until at least 2017.

Here are some questions and answers given in quizes on TV and Radio.
Judging by the answers given I am wondering if any of our recent contributors can be identified!
THE WEAKEST LINK(BBC2)
Anne Robinson - Oscar Wilde,Adolph Hitler and Jeffrey Archer have all written books about their experiences in what: Prison or the Conservative Party?
Contestant - The Conservative Party.


University Challenge(BBC2)
Jeremy Paxman-What is another name for "Cherrypickers"and "Cheesemongers"?
Contestant-Homosexuals
Paxman-No.They are regiments in the British Army who will be very upset with you.


Beacon Radio(Wolverhampton)
DJMark-For 10,What is the nationality of the Pope?
Ruth from Rowley Regis-I think I know that one.Is it Jewish?

GWR FM(Bristol)
What happened in Dallas on 22nd November 1963
Contestant-I don't know,I wasn't watching it then.

Richard and Judy
Richard-On which street did Sherlock Holmes live?
Contestant- Er....
Richard-He makes bread
Contestant- Er....
Richard-He makes cakes
Contestant-Kipling Street

GOOD THEM JOKER.