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UKIP is to use its election war chest to produce a Star Trek film about the failure of galactic multi-culturalism.

Star Trek: Repatriation will tell the story of Captain John Beef and the crew of the USS Barnes Wallis as they destroy the United Federation of Planets for its own good.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage said: “We have millions of pounds in the bank, so that means it’s time to make a movie.

“I’m a huge fan of the Star Trek franchise but it’s never really tackled the issue of Federation bureaucrats and visas for Klingons.”

The film begins with Captain Beef feeling uncomfortable on a hover-bus because everyone is speaking Ferengi.

Farage added: “When he gets home he realises some Borg have moved in next door.

“Cue massive explosions.”

I don't know about synonyms. For years I've been wondering if E.T. has a homophone.

We talk of drinkies........why not eaties?

I decided to stop calling the toilet the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning!

So does that "fit" in with feeling "flushed"?

Always at your convenience Busby.


IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

.......or mass suicide?

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms, all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."

A new employee calls the help desk to complain that there's something wrong with her password.

"The problem is that whenever I type the password, it just shows stars," she says.

"Those asterisks are there to protect you," the help desk technician explains. "So, if someone were standing behind you, they wouldn't be able to read your password."

"Yeah," she says, "but they show up even when there isn't anyone standing behind me."

Men are the best people to share your secret with.

They won’t tell anyone because they probably weren’t even listening to you.