Crossword Help Forum
Forum Rules

Why can't you see yourself in the Daily Mirror?

Sorry Kepple don't understand the poser.

One for the ladies. ( just an aside; did you know that it is not PC to call females - ladies?).

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool '
And they say blondes are dumb...

In a local hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Fernando Rodriguez, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."


Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over .....women like that are hard to find."

A Biology teacher friend of mine always had lots of animals in his lab.
A frequently asked question from the students was 'Is it a boy or a girl, Sir?'
His reply, 'Look carefully, has it got its mouth open?'

One day Mick was walking along the road when he sees his old friend Paddy with a paintbrush in his hand, drawing a single yellow line along the side of the road.
"What are ye doing that for, Paddy?" asks Mick.
" This is because there is no parking along here at all ", says Paddy.
The next day Mick is walking further along that road, when he again sees Paddy, this time with TWO paintbrushes, one in either hand, carefully drawing TWO yellow lines.
" So what are ye doing, now, Paddy?" he asks his old friend.
"Well, ye see , Mick" replies Paddy, "this is because along here there is no parking at all at all."

One day Mick was walking along the road when he sees his old friend Paddy with a paintbrush in his hand, drawing a single yellow line along the side of the road.
"What are ye doing that for, Paddy?" asks Mick.
" This is because there is no parking along here at all ", says Paddy.
The next day Mick is walking further along that road, when he again sees Paddy, this time with TWO paintbrushes, one in either hand, carefully drawing TWO yellow lines.
" So what are ye doing, now, Paddy?" he asks his old friend.
"Well, ye see , Mick" replies Paddy, "this is because along here there is no parking at all at all."

Sorry for the duplication - cat intervened.....

Paddy and Mick are walking along the road when they see a sign "Tree fellers wanted". "Pity Seamus isn't with us" says Paddy.

A 40 year old man stood at the Pearly Gates and asked for admittance.
St Peter told him that he could only enter Heaven if he had done a kind or brave deed during his lifetime.
The man thought for a while, then he said, "I helped a little old lady across the road when I was a Boy Scout".
"That was kind" said St Peter, but it's too long ago.
The man thought again......
" I climbed up a tree to rescue a neighbour's cat, when I was twenty" he offered.
"Better" said St. Peter, " but I really need something that happened much more recently"
The man thought long and hard.......
" I stood at the Rangers end of the football pitch and shouted 'Celtic for the Cup!' he said.
"Now that WAS brave" said St Peter. "How long ago was that?
" Five minutes ago........."