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From the DM,

Fracking Facts.

IT’S here and it’s fine, except that it might render entire counties uninhabitable.

British fracking rigs will be less cool than American ones

British fracking rigs will be 40 per cent less cool than American ones

Here’s everything you need to know about fracking in the UK:

Fracking will allow the country to enjoy free-roaming wind again rather than it being shackled by turbines.

Use of the word ‘frack’ to replace a commonplace sexual swearword, eg ‘Go frack yourself,’ is a trademark infringement punishable by community service.

In areas of Outstanding Natural Beauty, burning gas flare-offs should be carefully positioned to illuminate the area in a romantic manner.

All underground fracking workers will wear three-piece suits and ties to avoid association with those scruffy coal-miners.

If tap water begins to spontaneously burn, remember you’d pay eight euros for that on holiday if it was aniseed flavoured.

Any employee gaining superpowers during a freak fracking accident must use those powers solely and without exception for the purposes of his employer.

Anti-fracking campaigners will be seared away in the Great Immolation along with everyone else.

Residents of fracking areas are warned that interbreeding with the subterranean Vril-ya people is illegal, and any children born to the union will be indentured to the company and worked until death.

Fracking operations are prohibited within marginal constituencies.

All of the above is so that you can recharge your iPad, then play bird games on it.

Court records No.4.

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.

Court records no. 5

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.

From the DM:
English viewers miss Salmond trying to bite Alistair Darling.
06-08-14
ENGLISH viewers were unable to watch last night’s Scottish independence debate, including the moment Alex Salmond tried to bite Alistair Darling on the face.
Mr Salmond has powerful jaws but no upper-body strength.
The debate was broadcast in Scotland only, but a ‘live internet stream’ was offered to the tens of millions of English people who are fascinated by Scottish politics.
Just minutes into the debate the ‘live stream’ failed, leaving English fans unable to enjoy a wide range of topics including currency, oil revenues and extra-terrestrial invasion.
But the key moment came when first minister Alex Salmond stopped mid-sentence, ran across the stage and tried to bite Mr Darling’s cheek.
The former chancellor managed to grab the SNP leader by the head and force him backwards and the two men tussled for a few seconds until the debate’s moderator fired a gun over his head.
Mr Salmond’s spokesman insisted: “We won. Alistair Darling had an incredibly negative approach to what was an optimistic and aspirational attempt to bite him on the face.”
But Julian Cook, professor of politics at Roehampton University, added: “I suspect a large number of SNP supporters will be slightly concerned at Alex Salmond’s inability to defeat Alistair Darling – a man who once lost a debate to a washing machine.”
Meanwhile, English viewers also missed the two men closing the debate in the traditional Scottish fashion by sacrificing an albino horse.

Wife: "How would you describe me?"

Husband: "ABCDEFGHIJK."

Wife: "What does that mean?"

Husband: "Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."

Wife: "Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"

Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

Wife: "LMNO"

Husband: "What does that mean?"

Wife: " Lets make nuptials obsolete".

What was left after the French cheese factory blew up ?





.................................. De brie

Gouda post as the rest Bobsmum :-)

After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said, 'Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.

"You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a cheque book, and apply for a job.

"You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.

"You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
"You want me to do all this, and then you tell me.......

I CAN'T PRAY!"

Nice one Elle.

Actual call-centre conversations ...

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.