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AMERICANS have begged England to stop sending them smug, fat-faced English television presenters.

Viewers who had returned to their televisions after Piers Morgan was sacked, say James Corden’s late-night chat show is like being shot in the leg.

Wayne Hayes, of Phoenix, Arizona, said: “The wobbling jowls, the crooked teeth, that indefinable but repugnant smugness. I dared to believe it was over.

“They told us Morgan was loved in his native land, which turned out to be an exact inversion of the truth, and now you’re doing it again?

“If I’m going to watch pale, sweaty, giant-faced men I would like those men to be Americans.”

Following the appointment of Corden, the CBS network is set to replace talk show host David Letterman with West Ham manager Sam Allardyce.

There's always one. This has got to be one of the funniest things in a long time and this guy should have been promoted, not fired. This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, they are currently suing the Word Perfect organisation for 'Termination without Cause'.
Actual dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Support employee. (Now you know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: 'Ridge Hall, computer assistance; may I help you?'
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
'Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too bloody stupid to own a computer ...'

My dad and I were talking the other night about love and marriage. He told me he knew as early as their wedding what marriage to my mom would be like.

It seems the minister asked my mom, "Do you take this man to be your husband?"

And she said, "I do."

Then the minister asked my dad, "Do you take this woman to be your wife?" And my mom said, "He does."

THE British Army is to modernise its pistol-holding techniques with positions up to and including sideways.
The Army will train all soldiers to hold the standard-issue weapon horizontally in a bid to attract recruits who would otherwise join street gangs or the police.
A Ministry of Defence spokesman said: “Our current style of pistol holding is insufficiently masculine. Sideways will make our soldiers feel like giant, invincible erections.”
But Wayne Hayes, a surly, ill-educated bastard from Doncaster said: “I’m not joining until they can teach me how to make a bullet swerve in mid-air.”

Why, at functions, are we invited to 'be upstanding' to toast but never told to 'be downsitting' afterwards ?

Celadon, I must congratulate you on your wonderful stories on this page. I will now proceed to steal them, thanks.

Newspaper headlines – Is proof reading a thing of the past? …........

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter.

This one I caught in the SGV Tribune the other day and called the Editorial Room and asked who wrote this. It took two or three readings before the editor realised that what he was reading was impossible!!! They put in a correction the next day.

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says. 
Really?

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.
Now that's taking things a bit far! 

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.
What a guy! 

Miners Refuse to Work after Death.
No-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.
See if that works any better than a fair trial! 

War Dims Hope for Peace.
I can see where it might have that effect! 

If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile.
Ya think?! 

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.
Who would have thought it! 

Enfield ( London ) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide.
They may be on to something! 

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
You mean there's something stronger than duct tape? 

Man Struck By Lightning: Faces Battery Charge.
He probably IS the battery charge! 

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.
Weren't they fat enough?!

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft. 
That's what he gets for eating those beans! 

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.
Do they taste like chicken?

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.
Chainsaw Massacre all over again! 

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.
Boy, are they tall! 

And the winner is.... 

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead.
Did I read that right?

From the DM,

SCOTLAND is to relax restrictions on the hunting of anyone who voted ‘No’.

The ruling SNP claims it was forced to act because Scotland is becoming overrun with vermin eating away at the country’s future.

Richard Lochhead, the Secretary for the Environment, said: “They may be considered sweet little things in England but up here we can’t afford to be sentimental.

“They say you’re never more than six feet away from a No voter, and their effluent is poisoning the waters of our political discourse.

“We’ve worked through the numbers and there’s an overpopulation of exactly 383,937 – coincidentally the losing margin in last week’s referendum – but we’re issuing licences to get rid of a round half-million, just to be sure.”

Hunter Bill McKay said: “Most of these pathetic creatures are very old and clearly incapable of making choices which would improve their lives, so it’s a kindness anyway.”

Pleas to find safe havens in England for the No voters have so far gone unanswered.

Margaret Gerving of Guildford said: “They’re lovely little creatures, but I wouldn’t want one in the back garden drinking Buckfast and shouting ‘Hootsmon’ in the middle of the night.”

ALEX Salmond has been asked if he would like to run Syria for a bit.

The Scottish First Minister, who still has ‘lead a nation’ on his To Do list, has been offered the post because of a shortage of non-genocidal candidates.

UN secretary-general Ban Ki-Moon said: “We were wondering who could draw a disparate nation at war with itself together under a threadbare banner of nationalism.

“Salmond’s got a track record of not-complete failure and if he can fool one nation with a string of vague utopian promises, he can do it with two.

“They even wear skirts. It’s ideal.”

Salmond is seriously considering the idea, but is annoyed that he was the UN’s second choice after they were turned down by Sven-Goran Eriksson.

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?