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ALEX Salmond has been asked if he would like to run Syria for a bit.

The Scottish First Minister, who still has ‘lead a nation’ on his To Do list, has been offered the post because of a shortage of non-genocidal candidates.

UN secretary-general Ban Ki-Moon said: “We were wondering who could draw a disparate nation at war with itself together under a threadbare banner of nationalism.

“Salmond’s got a track record of not-complete failure and if he can fool one nation with a string of vague utopian promises, he can do it with two.

“They even wear skirts. It’s ideal.”

Salmond is seriously considering the idea, but is annoyed that he was the UN’s second choice after they were turned down by Sven-Goran Eriksson.

IS THERE ANOTHER WORD FOR SYNONYM?

UKIP is to use its election war chest to produce a Star Trek film about the failure of galactic multi-culturalism.

Star Trek: Repatriation will tell the story of Captain John Beef and the crew of the USS Barnes Wallis as they destroy the United Federation of Planets for its own good.

UKIP leader Nigel Farage said: “We have millions of pounds in the bank, so that means it’s time to make a movie.

“I’m a huge fan of the Star Trek franchise but it’s never really tackled the issue of Federation bureaucrats and visas for Klingons.”

The film begins with Captain Beef feeling uncomfortable on a hover-bus because everyone is speaking Ferengi.

Farage added: “When he gets home he realises some Borg have moved in next door.

“Cue massive explosions.”

I don't know about synonyms. For years I've been wondering if E.T. has a homophone.

We talk of drinkies........why not eaties?

I decided to stop calling the toilet the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning!

So does that "fit" in with feeling "flushed"?

Always at your convenience Busby.


IF SOMEONE WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES THREATENS TO KILL HIMSELF, IS IT CONSIDERED A HOSTAGE SITUATION?

.......or mass suicide?

Two men were boasting to each other about their old army days.

"Why, my outfit was so well drilled," declared one, "that when they presented arms, all you could hear was slap, slap, click."

"Very good," conceded the other, "but when my company presented arms you'd just hear slap, slap, jingle."

"What was the jingle?" asked the first. "Oh," replied the other offhand, "just our medals."