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(Not my daughter).

My five-year-old daughter was at her first wedding and gaped at the entire ceremony.

When it was over, she asked me, "Why did the lady change her mind?"

I replied, "What do you mean?"

"Well, she went down the aisle with one man, and came back with another one."

Defendant: I did it because I was as drunk as a judge.

Judge: I think you mean "As drunk as a lord," my good man.

Defendant: Yes, my Lord.

TO WHOM DOES THE LAND OF ISRAEL BELONG?

An Israeli with a sense of humour at the United Nations set the record straight.

An ingenious example of speech and politics occurred recently in the United Nations Assembly and made the world community smile.

A representative from Israel began: 'Before beginning my talk I want to tell you something about Moses: When he struck the rock and it brought forth water, he thought, "What a good opportunity to have a bath!"

Moses removed his clothes, put them aside on the rock and entered the water. When he got out and wanted to dress, his clothes had vanished. A Palestinian had stolen them!

The Palestinian representative at the UN jumped up furiously and shouted, "What are you talking about? The Palestinians weren't there then."

The Israeli representative smiled and said, "And now that we have made that clear, I shall begin my speech.

Very deep!

Tech Support: 'I need you to right-click on the Open Desktop'.
Customer: 'OK'.
Tech Support: 'Did you get a pop-up menu?'.
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK. Right-Click again. Do you see a pop-up menu?'
Customer: 'No'.
Tech Support: 'OK, sir. Can you tell me what you have done up until this point?'.
Customer: 'Sure. You told me to write 'click' and I wrote 'click''.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses £500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Connor looks around and asks, 'Oh, me boys, someone got's to tell Paddy's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

'Discreet? I'm the most discreet Irishmen you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me.'

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants.

Gallagher declares, 'Your husband just lost £500, and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!', says Murphy's wife..

'I'll go tell him.' says Gallagher.

Now that is a brilliant joke !

I almost hurt myself.

Amazing....
It would take 390,096,154 average diameter peas to outline the British coast.

Directory Enquiries
Caller: 'I'd like the number of the Argoed Fish Bar in Cardiff please'.
Operator: 'I'm sorry, there's no listing. Is the spelling correct?'
Caller: 'Well, it used to be called the Bargoed Fish Bar, but the 'B' fell off'.

AMERICANS have begged England to stop sending them smug, fat-faced English television presenters.

Viewers who had returned to their televisions after Piers Morgan was sacked, say James Corden’s late-night chat show is like being shot in the leg.

Wayne Hayes, of Phoenix, Arizona, said: “The wobbling jowls, the crooked teeth, that indefinable but repugnant smugness. I dared to believe it was over.

“They told us Morgan was loved in his native land, which turned out to be an exact inversion of the truth, and now you’re doing it again?

“If I’m going to watch pale, sweaty, giant-faced men I would like those men to be Americans.”

Following the appointment of Corden, the CBS network is set to replace talk show host David Letterman with West Ham manager Sam Allardyce.