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After being interviewed by the school administration, the prospective teacher said, 'Let me see if I've got this right. You want me to go into that room with all those kids, correct their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, monitor their dress habits, censor their T-shirt messages, and instill in them a love for learning.

"You want me to check their backpacks for weapons, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, and raise their sense of self-esteem and personal pride.

"You want me to teach them patriotism and good citizenship, sportsmanship and fair play, and how to register to vote, balance a cheque book, and apply for a job.

"You want me to check their heads for lice, recognize signs of antisocial behaviour, and make sure that they all pass the final exams.

"You also want me to provide them with an equal education regardless of their handicaps, and communicate regularly with their parents in English, Spanish or any other language, by letter, telephone, newsletter, and report card.

"You want me to do all this with a piece of chalk, a blackboard, a bulletin board, a few books, a big smile, and a starting salary that qualifies me for food stamps.
"You want me to do all this, and then you tell me.......

I CAN'T PRAY!"

Nice one Elle.

Actual call-centre conversations ...

Customer: 'I've been ringing 0800 2100 for two days and can't get through to enquiries, can you help?'.
Operator: 'Where did you get that number from, sir?'.
Customer: 'It was on the door to the Travel Centre'.
Operator: 'Sir, they are our opening hours'.

Why can't you see yourself in the Daily Mirror?

Sorry Kepple don't understand the poser.

One for the ladies. ( just an aside; did you know that it is not PC to call females - ladies?).

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his sweatshirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, 'What setting do I use on the washing machine?'
'It depends,' I replied. 'What does it say on your shirt?'
He yelled back, ' Liverpool '
And they say blondes are dumb...

In a local hospital's Intensive Care Unit, patients always died in the same bed, on Sunday morning, at about 11:00 am, regardless of their medical condition. This puzzled the doctors and some even thought it had something to do with the supernatural.

No one could solve the mystery as to why the deaths occurred around 11:00 am Sunday, so a worldwide team of experts was assembled to investigate the cause of the incidents. The next Sunday morning, a few minutes before 11:00 am, all of the doctors and nurses nervously waited outside the ward to see for themselves what the terrible phenomenon was all about. Some were holding wooden crosses, prayer books and other holy objects to ward off the evil spirits. Just when the clock struck 11:00, Fernando Rodriguez, the part-time Sunday sweeper, entered the ward and unplugged the life support system so he could use the vacuum cleaner.

Earl and Bubba are quietly sitting in a boat fishing,
chewing tobacco and drinking beer when suddenly
Bubba says, "Think I'm gonna divorce the wife - she
ain't spoke to me in over 2 months."


Earl spits overboard, takes a long, slow sip of beer and says, "Better think it over .....women like that are hard to find."

A Biology teacher friend of mine always had lots of animals in his lab.
A frequently asked question from the students was 'Is it a boy or a girl, Sir?'
His reply, 'Look carefully, has it got its mouth open?'

One day Mick was walking along the road when he sees his old friend Paddy with a paintbrush in his hand, drawing a single yellow line along the side of the road.
"What are ye doing that for, Paddy?" asks Mick.
" This is because there is no parking along here at all ", says Paddy.
The next day Mick is walking further along that road, when he again sees Paddy, this time with TWO paintbrushes, one in either hand, carefully drawing TWO yellow lines.
" So what are ye doing, now, Paddy?" he asks his old friend.
"Well, ye see , Mick" replies Paddy, "this is because along here there is no parking at all at all."

One day Mick was walking along the road when he sees his old friend Paddy with a paintbrush in his hand, drawing a single yellow line along the side of the road.
"What are ye doing that for, Paddy?" asks Mick.
" This is because there is no parking along here at all ", says Paddy.
The next day Mick is walking further along that road, when he again sees Paddy, this time with TWO paintbrushes, one in either hand, carefully drawing TWO yellow lines.
" So what are ye doing, now, Paddy?" he asks his old friend.
"Well, ye see , Mick" replies Paddy, "this is because along here there is no parking at all at all."

Sorry for the duplication - cat intervened.....