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Yesterday David Cameron faced a decision that plagues many of us, he had to choose between Cable and Sky.

Cameron? A fine old Scottish name. Yes, we will hold you lot North of the Border responsible for producing yet another buffoon in Number 10.

TOP TEN POLITICALLY CORRECT CHRISTMAS, SORRY, HOLIDAY SONGS.

10. Chestnuts Roasting on an Environmentally-friendly Fuel Source

9. Rudolph, the Endangered and Exploited Species

8. We Three Politically Oppressive Patriarchs

7. Rocking Around the Recycled, Flame-retardant, Artificial Christmas Tree

6. All I Want For Christmas is a Dental Plan

5. Frosty the Snowperson

4. I Saw Mommy Suing Santa Claus for Sexual Harassment

3. I'm Dreaming of a Racially Diverse Christmas

2. I'll Be Home For Ramadan (or Chanukah or Kwanzaa or Winter Solstice or . . .)

1. We Wish You a Non-sectarian Holiday

the sales have been a bit of a let down this year - I went to Boots & they didn't have any boots, I went to Selfridges & they didn't have any fridges but my biggest disappointment was at the Virgin Megastore

For those of you who like anagrams here are a few that are currently doing the rounds:

PRESBYTERIAN = BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER = MOON STARER

DESPERATION = A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES = THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH = HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE = HERE COME DOTS

DORMITORY = DIRTY ROOM

SLOT MACHINES = CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY = IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS = LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS = ALAS ! NO MORE Z'S

A DECIMAL POINT = I'M A DOT IN PLACE

THE EARTHQUAKES = THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO = TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER-IN-LAW = WOMAN HITLER

Dear People,

This is how to easily wash a toilet… This was simply too much of a time saver not to share it with you. 1. Put both lids of the toilet up. ----And add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl. 2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom. 3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close the lid. You may need to stand on the lid. 4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. ----Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this . 5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a 'power-wash' and rinse'. 6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no people between the bathroom and the front door. 7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift the lid. 8 The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off. 9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly
Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped
the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.

With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into
the car.

Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make
a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman. The old
woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail,
until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to
Sally.

'What in bag?' asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, 'It's
a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.'

The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or
two. Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said:

'Good trade.....'

A haircut

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there were a 'thank you' card and a dozen doughnuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Member of Parliament came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I can not accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Member of Parliament was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen other Members of Parliament lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

BOTH, POLITICIANS AND NAPPIES NEED TO BE CHANGED OFTEN AND FOR THE SAME REASON!

Brazilian Mudslides Death Toll Top 800.


Alright, the first few might be amusing but you wouldn't want to sit through all 800 would you.

Last month, a world survey was conducted by the UN. The only question asked was:

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"

Unfortunately the survey was a HUGE failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.