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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, 'I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world.'
The woman replies, 'I'll miss you...'

These scammers never give up - just received this:-

From Bella Duncan
Feb 4, 03:35PM

Hello Dear,

Permit me to inform you of my desire of going into business relationship with you.

It is due to the political crisis in my country.

introducing myself, I am Bella Duncan Gavin, the Only Daughter of the late Duncan Gavin, my father was a gold and cocoa mercahnt based in accra, Ghana and Abidjan (Ivory Coast), he was poisoned to death by his business associates on one of their business trips recetly.

Before his death, He called me on his bedside and told me that he has a sum of $7.500,000USD deposited in one of the prime bank here in abidjan ivory coast, that he used my name for the next of kin in depositing of the fund.

Moreover, I am willing to offer you 15% of the total sum as compensation for your effort/input after the successful transfer of this fund to your nominated account overseas.

For more details.

Reply to my private e-mail box below: ( bella4you11@yahoo.com )

Awaiting your urgent reply.

Please reply to my e-mai:( bella4you11@yahoo.com )

Regards,

Bella Duncan.

Why did Oliver twist?

Because he saw Joy stick!

PHILIP

Dave was staring sadly into his pint and sighed heavily.
“What’s up Dave” asked the Landlord…

“It’s not like you to be so down in the mouth”

“It’s my four year old son…” the man replied.

“Don’t tell me, he’s in trouble for fighting in school? – my lad’s just the same – forget about it, it happens to boys that age” said the landlord, sympathetically.

“ I only wish it was that” continued the customer, “ but it’s far worse than that. The little bastard has got our gorgeous 18 year old next door neighbour pregnant.”

“Get away, that’s impossible!” gasped the landlord

“It’s not” said the man…

“the little bastard stuck a pin in all my condoms”

After a night out, I dropped the wife off and drove the babysitter home.

As we pulled up outside her house, I turned to thank her and noticed she was struggling to find the door handle.

I stretched across, my arm softly brushing against her breast.

"Oh, sorry about that," I said apologetically.

"That's Ok," she replied, with a certain glint in her eye, "I liked it."

I thought to myself, " She's up for it, do I take a chance?"

As I nervously moved forward to kiss her, she slowly closed her eyes and opened her mouth, our tongues met. I slipped my hand up her skirt and before I knew it, we'd had the most mind-blowing sex in the car.

After, I breathlessly said,"Thanks mum, same time next week, yeah?"

IF MY BODY WAS A CAR...

If my body was a car, this is the time I would be thinking about trading it in for a newer model. I've got bumps and dents and scratches in my finish and my paint job is getting a little dull ...

My headlights are out of focus and it's especially hard to see things up close ....

My traction is not as graceful as it once was. I slip,slide, skid and bump into things even in the best of weather....

My whitewalls are stained with varicose veins....

It takes me hours to reach my maximum speed and my fuel rate burns inefficiently.

But here's the worst of it --


Almost every time I sneeze, cough or sputter, either my radiator leaks or my exhaust backfires!

The Happiest people don't necessarily
have the best of everything;

They just make the best of everything they have.

Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.

Arlene: What in the hell is that?

Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.

Arlene: Where did you get it?

Jane: You can get them at any chemist.

The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local Boots and announces to the chemist that she wants a box of condoms.

The chemist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what brand of condom she prefers.

'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'

The chemist fainted.

Nice one, Celedon.

Did you hear the one about a husband and wife who had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!

The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!"

"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads,

'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!"