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John d'A .. When you read in the user manual "burn a CD", I don't think this is what was meant ... JimC

John(from Arran)
I repeat The Jokers sentiment - can you tell me where I can send the bill?

How's this one Bees?

In London an old priest lay dying in the hospital. For years he had faithfully served the people of the nation's capital.
He motioned for his nurse to come near.
"Yes, Father?" said the nurse.
"I would really like to see Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling MP before I die", whispered the priest.
"I'll see what I can do, Father", replied the nurse.
The nurse sent the request to The Houses of Parliament and waited for a response. Soon the word arrived; Gordon Brown and Alistair Darling would be delighted to visit the priest. As they went to the hospital, Brown commented to Darling,
"I don't know why the old priest wants to see us, but it certainly will help our images and might even get me re-elected. Darling agreed that it was a good thing.
When they arrived at the priest's room, the priest took Brown's hand in his right hand and Darling's hand in his left.
There was silence and a look of serenity on the old priest's face.
Finally Gordon Brown spoke. "Father, of all the people you could have chosen, why did you choose us to be with you as you near the end?"
The old priest slowly replied, "I have always tried to pattern my life after our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ."
"Amen", said Brown.
"Amen", said Darling.
The old priest continued, "Jesus died between two lying thieves; I would like to do the same....".

Sorry, no compensation claims will be entertained. I don't even have a microwave. I wonder why that is? Anyway, this made me laugh so I present it for your delectation.

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

'You talk?' he asks.

'Yep', the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says 'So, what's your story?'

The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.. But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

'Ten dollars,' the guy says.

'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'

'Because he's a f***ing liar. He never did any of that s**t.'

good them two.

Oh dear, dropped down to page 5 again, but I need to ask you all a question:

Will I Live to see 80?

I recently visited my GP for a "Well Man" clinic.
After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing 'fairly well' for my age (62).

A little concerned about that comment, I couldn't resist asking him, 'Do you think I'll live to be 80?'

He asked, 'Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?'

'Oh no,' I replied... 'I'm not doing drugs, either!'

Then he asked, 'Do you eat steaks and other red meat?'.

I said, 'Not much, I know that all red meat is very unhealthy!'

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, sailing, hiking, or cycling?'

'No, I don't,' I said.

He asked, 'Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'

'No,' I said.

He looked at me and said,

.
.
.
.
.
.
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'Then, why would you want to live to be 80!'

I just performed some necromancy on this thread to rescue it from page 8, as I wanted to share a thought with you all. This evening, the first time for ages, I saw a TV advert which told the truth.

"It wouldn't be Christmas without M&S."

Absolutely correct, it would be "Chrita".

well spotted as scrooge said humbug.

Rumour has it that this may be of interest to you gentlemen...

They have finally released the ingredients in Viagra:

3% Vitamin E
2% Aspirin
2% Ibuprofen
1% Vitamin C
5% Spray Starch
87% Holts Tyreweld

This example of Glasgow logic was in today's Herald. I thought I would share it with you. The ferry is still tied up here and doesn't look as though it will sail today, so there's no papers. Had to resort to the wibble thingy.

The H1N1 swine flu vaccine should not be taken if you are allergic to eggs as the vaccine is produced in chicken eggs and thus contains traces of egg protein.

This fact was not known to the elderly lady overheard on a Glasgow bus this week who told her pal it was odd that her doc, giving the swine flu jab, asked if she was allergic to eggs.

“I mean,” she went on, “what’s that to do with pigs? They don’t have eggs.”

Her pal pondered this conundrum for a few moments before coming up with the solution: “Ah but, you eat bacon with eggs. That must be the connection.”

And, thus, with the medical problem solved, the conversation turned to the weather.