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Nowt wrong wi' flat coke. I keep it by the bed to sip through the night when I wake up in a sweat.
The smoking comment reminded me of an incident about 45 years ago when a customer came into our health food shop for advice on giving up smoking. My opening comment was always that only the smoker could be determined and as soon as they said, "I'd like to give smoking but..." they were beaten.
I then said that if ever she wanted to have a baby she should stop as it stunted the unborn baby's growth. "Oh," she replied, "I smoked all through pregnancy and it didn't affect the baby." I asked how the baby was. "Oh, it was stillborn."

How local is local? The phone just rang and the caller display showed "international out of area", so I answered with my usual snap for such calls and a voice with a southern accent (for me "The south" begins at Stockport but this was estuary [Thames not Ganges] English), asked if I would like my oven or barbecue cleaned. My local company could come and clean my oven or barbecue... So, how local is local

dandybandy: I am wondering why your "called ID" (or whatever you have installed) did not show their phone number if they are in England. It could be another scam,
I hope you said "NO"

Jazzgirl I think some of them are routed abroad so as to get round UK legislation. I didn't say no, even though our oven needs a serious clean, as I just listen to a recording long enough to hear the substance and then hang up. If it's a live voice with a foreign accent named, for instance, Pete, I usually tell them that that's the first lie and hang up. I sometimes get a bit ruder especially if they're calling from "Windows service".

(To check if a short post will sneak through the new rules.)

I tried to write the full text of "War and Peace" on here but it was banned, so here is the precis

Army invades, army retreats

the end

Thanks Jazzgirl, I can now say I've read the slightly abridged version of War and Peace. Excellent!

Does that go with having seen or heard the shortest play in the world.
"Hello Godot, you're early."
Not one of mine . I think it was Barry Cryer on I'm Sorry I Haven't a Clue

...........or the shortest blues song:

"Didn't wake up this morning....................."

Why, in this digital age, does the cure for any fault seem to be, whether it's a radio, TV, phone, computer or anything else that's frozen, switch it off and switch it on again?