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The Hidden Meaning of Recruitment Ads

"Competitive salary rate" - We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.

"Duties will vary" - Anyone in the office can boss you around.

"Join our dynamic company" - We have no time to train you.

"Casual working environment" - We don't pay enough to expect that you will dress up.

"Must be deadline oriented" - You will be 6 months behind on your first day.

"Some overtime required" - Some time each night, some time each weekend.

"Must have an eye for detail" - We have no quality control.

"Seeking wide experience" - You will need to replace three people who just left.

"Good communication skills" - Management communicates poorly, so you have to figure out what they want and do it.

"Problem solving skills needed" - You are walking into a company in continual chaos.

"Requires team leadership skills" - You will have the responsibilities of a manager without the pay or respect.

Five Rules For Living

1. The badness of a movie is directly proportional to the number of helicopters in it.

2. You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we observe daylight-savings time.

3. People who feel the need to tell you that they have an excellent sense of humour are telling you that they have no sense of humour.

4. The most valuable function performed by the government is entertainment.

5. You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

Two men were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery, they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death. We thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night"?

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

Do witches use spell checkers?

A NEW device that cancels out all mention of Benedict Cumberbatch is selling out everywhere.

The CumberGone’s headphones use white noise to block all mention of the actor’s name, while the accompanying glasses recognise Cumberbatch’s outline and replace his image with that of a wardrobe.

Regular software updates alert the device to any new projects the actor is involved in, so the wearer is in no danger of ever experiencing Benedict Cumberbatch.

User Roy Hobbs of Harrogate said: “I keep smacking into things because of my reduced visibility, but it’s worth it.

“At social gatherings it’s not if Benedict Cumberbatch will be mentioned, it’s when. Just last night a co-worker said to me ‘Have you heard that has been cast as?’ and I smiled back, blissfully oblivious.

“They are a bit over-responsive – apparently my mother-in-law has only been trying to tell me about her cucumber patch – but better to be safe than sorry.”

Three vampires walk into a bar. The first one says, "I'll have a pint of blood."

The second one says, "I'll have one, too."

The third one says, "I'll have a pint of plasma."

The bartender says, "So, that'll be two Bloods and a Blood Lite?"

KITCHENS in expensive restaurants are staffed by dangerous men, it has emerged.
Researchers at the Institute for Studies found that as well as looking intimidating all gourmet chefs have been to prison, many for serious stuff.
Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “It’s an interesting juxtaposition as on the one hand they are making very dainty, delicately fashioned meals while also having a lifelong ban from various counties.
“But then they are also in an environment were they are surrounded by knives, fire and dead animals, so it kind of makes sense.”
Martin Bishop who runs the Oui restaurant in North London said: “We shield the customers from our kitchen staff for rather obvious reasons.
“One of our chefs has ‘Leicester City F.C 4 Life’ tattooed across his neck along with a tattoo of a small dagger under his right eye. He makes a mean creme brulee though.
“It doesn’t really matter that our kitchen staff look like a gang of football hooligans mixed with the crew of a viking longboat provided they keep pumping out the high quality a la carte.
“And as long as they always were a hair net, of course.’”

Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
If you find one, what's your plan?

FATE has apologised for sleeping on the job and allowing Bono to emerge unscathed from an air accident.
The impersonal force that predetermines events has admitted that the incident in which an aircraft’s rear hatch flew off in mid-air was slated to be the U2 singer’s end, but that it was napping at the time.
Fate said: “Believe me, I know how frustrated everyone feels.
“You have no idea how hard I’ve been trying these last 35 years, but the man seems unkillable.
“He’s too short for snipers, he’s too pious for a drug overdose, and he should have been crushed under the weight of his own ego years ago but somehow it only makes him stronger.
“Unpalatable as it seems, I’m afraid that someone up there appears to be looking after him.”
Following denials from the Almighty, Lucifer admitted having a hand in Bono’s miraculous survival, saying: “I know, I know, but I can’t bear taking him just yet.
“You thought he’d be going to the other place? But how could it be Hell without Bono?”

A PHOTO of Kim Kardashian extending her buttocks has destroyed the very essence of what it is to be human.

The image of the socialite was designed to ‘break the internet’ but has instead forced everyone to admit that humanity is a wasteland and that all is lost.

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, said: “The attention and resources devoted to this ghastly, dead-eyed, talentless demon makes me feel like the Ancient Mariner, adrift on a slimy sea.

“Because of Kardashian I now see all humans as potential Kardashians. All of them searching for that special way in which they can get something for nothing.

“Yesterday I was warm, loving and intellectually curious. Today I hate everything that has ever existed.

“And don’t forget – anyone who tells you it’s culturally significant is just making it worse.”