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pastille

1st September 2011, 18:36
Was sent these "Tommy Cooperisms"

Thought I would share them...



A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.
When I challenged him on it he reckoned he could stop any time....



I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I
was standing there I noticed 4 grave diggers walking about with a
coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, they've lost the plot!!



I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could
check her balance, so I pushed her over.



A new Middle East crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was
refused permission to broadcast 'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the
channel said. “A claim was made that people in Dubai would not
understand the humour, but we know for a fact that people in Abu Dhabi
Do.



My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to
our local pet shop and they were £70!!! B******s to this, I thought, I
can get one cheaper off the web.



Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.



Went around to a friends house today. His wife was sat there with
their newborn baby. She asked if I'd like to wind it. I thought that
was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.



I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea
move.









1177 of 1953  -   Report This Post

sallyw (aka - the original sallyw)

1st September 2011, 20:55
pastille - from a fellow harpy -
1178 of 1953  -   Report This Post

sallyw (aka - the original sallyw)

1st September 2011, 20:56
Should say love it!
1179 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

11th September 2011, 07:57

TWENTY DOLLARS
On their wedding night, the young bride
approached her new husband and asked
for $20.00 for their first lovemaking
encounter. In his highly aroused state,
her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 40 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that
she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was
surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state.
During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go.

It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.

Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which
showed more than forty years of steady deposits and interest totalling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they
were one of the largest depositors in the bank.

She explained that for more than three decades she had 'charged' him for sex,
these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.

Faced with evidence of cash and investments
worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, 'if I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business!'

That's when she shot him.

You know, sometimes, men just don't know when
To keep their mouths shut



Women are like phones: They like to be held, talked to, and touched often.
But push the wrong button and your ass is disconnected!
1180 of 1953  -   Report This Post

sallyw (aka - the original sallyw)

11th September 2011, 09:55
Very good!
1181 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

21st September 2011, 13:26
IRISH travelling folk will today reaffirm their ancient, mystic right not to have planning permission for their houses.
As Basildon Council begins the process of enforcing the same laws which allow feminist eco-homes, the families of Dale Farm defended their traditional, ethnic practice of building a horrid little bungalow in the middle of a field.

Declan O'Reilly said: "Since the time of King Arthur we have been travelling the countryside, dispensing wisdom and good luck while keeping an eye out for a sweet land deal and then doing whatever the fuck we want.

"People round here hate us because we're so different and magical."

But local resident Martin Bishop said: "No, it's because you don't have planning permission. I wanted to build an extension but got turned down. I asked the council what would happen if I built it anyway and they said they would demolish it. I asked them if that was the law and they said I simply would not believe the extent to which that was the law."

Bishop added: "I also wanted to set up a siren testing facility right next to Dale Farm, but I couldn't get planning permission."


A council spokesman said: "There have been claims the travellers didn't know much about planning laws in which case they're probably a bit confused as to why there aren't houses absolutely everywhere.

"But one of them has a huge, two-year old Jag so we're guessing they're not that confused."

Another local resident, Jane Thompson, said: "I've got nothing against people who roam the countryside while not leaving a horrible mess and being really nice to everybody. I would gladly grant them planning permission in my heart.

"But some of them have been at Dale Farm at least 10 years. Forgive me for saying so, but they don't seem to be very good at travelling."
1182 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

24th September 2011, 11:14
After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her slowly then said, "You're A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks..... "What does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous, Hot.
She smiled happily and said, "Oh, that's so lovely. What about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
His left eye is still swollen, but the doctor has informed him that he is likely to see things much clearer in the future.
1183 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

25th September 2011, 07:53
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse's legs and rump, and chest. After a few minutes, Larry asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?” His father replied, “Because when I'm buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.” Larry, looking worried, said, “Dad, I think the Milkman wants to buy Mom ......”
1184 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

28th September 2011, 08:59
Has anybody else had one of these?

BBC ONLINE LOTTERY PROMOTION BOARD
B.B.C LOTTERY PAYOUT OFFICE
National Lottery Results.
200 Harrogate England,UK
draw no. 1644 10 16 29 34 37 47 BONUS 31
http://www.bbc.co.uk/lottery/

Saturday September 24th
draw no. 1644 10 16 29 34 37 47 BONUS 31

Dear Beneficiary
This is to inform you that you have won a prize money of Eight

hundred thousand Great Britain Pound Sterlings (800,000.00GBP)

from the
National Lottery promotion which is organized by BBC NATIONAL

LOTTERY.

We Congratulate you for being one of the five person selected.
The draw no. 1644 brought out your e-mail address from a Data Base

of Internet Email Users and qualified you a bonafide winner of the

stated winning amount.
How ever you will have to fill and submit the informations below to

the Claims Manager
1. Full name..............
2. Contact Address........
3. Age. ...................
4. Telephone Number. ......
5. Sex.... ................
6.Occupation..............
7.State:..................
8.Country................
Claims Manager
Mr. Robert burke
1185 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

30th September 2011, 20:43
IRISH DIESEL FITTER
Paddy and Mick were both laid off, so they went to the unemployment office. When asked his occupation, Paddy answered, 'Knicker Stitcher.. I sew da elastic onto ladies' knickers and thongs..'

The clerk looked up Knicker Stitcher on his computer and, finding it classified as unskilled labour, he gave him £80 a week unemployment pay.

Mick was next in and when asked his occupation replied, 'Diesel Fitter.'

Since a diesel fitter was a skilled job, the clerk gave Mick £160 a week.

When Paddy found out he was furious.. He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his pay.

The clerk explained, 'Knicker Stitchers are unskilled labour and Diesel Fitters are skilled labour.'

'What skill?' yelled Paddy. 'I sew da elastic on da knickers and thongs, then Mick puts 'em over his head and says: 'Yep, diesel fitter.'
1186 of 1953  -   Report This Post