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terry

6th May 2011, 17:26
Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.
Murphy said "Hang on, I have an idea."
He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.
Seamus said "Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!"
Murphy replied, "Don't worry, just follow me."
He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jameson Whisky.
Seamus said "Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!"
Murphy replied, with a smile. "Don't worry, I have a plan, Cheers!"
They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, "OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zip and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth."
The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.
They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.
At the thirteenth pub Seamus said "Murphy, I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!"
Murphy said, "How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in!"
1119 of 1953  -   Report This Post

trevor

19th May 2011, 04:31
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"


boom-boom - its the way of the world.
i only really posted this as i wondered if Celaden has gone too.
1120 of 1953  -   Report This Post

trevor

19th May 2011, 04:33
A man walks into a bank, and after waiting for 20 minutes in line, he goes straight to a customer service rep. and says, "Hey, lady, I got this here check for deposit and I'll be goddamned if I am going to wait my ass on line anymore." "Please", says the woman. "I won't have that kind of language in this bank." "Well excuse me, but this fuckin' check ain't drawing any goddamned interest with you yappin' away about my language." "Sir, I don't have to take this abuse" she says. "Well then let's get the fuckin' manager okay? I mean what kind of shit is this I have to take from you?" The manager is summoned, and says "What seems to be the problem?" The woman says, "This man is using vulgar language and I won't stand for it." The man says "Hey alls I'm trying to do in this goddamned bank, for Christ's sake is deposit this fuckin' check for 15 million dollars." The manager looks at the check and then at the man and says "And this fuckin' bitch won't help you?"


boom-boom - its the way of the world.
i only really posted this as i wondered if Celaden has gone too.
1121 of 1953  -   Report This Post

coline

19th May 2011, 15:35
HOW CRUEL CAN YOU GET ?
Driving along the A576 between Exeter and Exmouth last week-end I came across a road-side notice which read "CATS EYES REMOVED".
Further along there was another sign stating "ROAD WORKS AHEAD". Flaming liars! When I got there it didn't work at all. Someone had dug a ruddy great hole in it.
1122 of 1953  -   Report This Post

monkey

19th May 2011, 17:16
why when there is a report or the tv or radio of an accident they always say,
"the injured were taken to a local hospital"
where else would they take them,
1123 of 1953  -   Report This Post

robtherich

19th May 2011, 17:59
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us."

So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in."

When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the pieces of window glass.

A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?"

"Uh...yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied.

"Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you.. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for my self."

"Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life."

"No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life!"

"And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked.

"I'd like to own a gorgeous home in every country in the world complete with servants," she said.

"Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!"

"And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?"
"Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle, and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife."

The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think?"

She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?"

You know I love you, sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!"

So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?"

"Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly.

"No kidding," he said. "Thirty-five years old and you both still believe in genies?"

1124 of 1953  -   Report This Post

bookmark

20th May 2011, 17:56
I can't think of anything to say. I just didn't want to forget where I got to. I'm damned if I'm going to start from 1 again.
1125 of 1953  -   Report This Post

dave

22nd May 2011, 14:14
the woman who injected her 8 year old daughter with botox for beauty pageants has lost custody

The daughter did not look surprised.

1126 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

29th May 2011, 09:44
Thanks to all whom have contributed whilst I have been away.

Unbelievable!!!!!

I bet this will make you feel all warm and fuzzy inside!

Can you imagine working for a company that only has a little more than 635 employees, but, has the following employee statistics.

29 have been accused of spouse abuse

7 have been arrested for fraud

9 have been accused of writing bad cheques

17 have directly or indirectly bankrupted at least 2 businesses

3 have done time for assault

71 cannot get a credit card due to bad credit

14 have been arrested on drug-related charges

8 have been arrested for shoplifting

21 are currently defendants in lawsuits

84 have been arrested for drink driving in the last year and collectively, this year alone, they have cost the British tax payer £92,993,748 in expenses!!!

Which organisation is this? It's the 635 members of the House of Commons. The same group that cranks out hundreds of new laws each year
designed to keep the rest of us in line. What a bunch of b ***** ds we have running our country - it says it all...And just to top all that
they probably have the best 'corporate' pension scheme in the country!!!

If you agree that this is an appalling state of affairs, please pass it on to everyone you know
1127 of 1953  -   Report This Post

celadon

31st May 2011, 06:42
A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee each morning.

The wife said, 'You should do it, because you get up first, and then we don't have to wait as long to get our coffee.'


The husband said, ' You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.'

Wife replies, 'No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.'

Husband replies, 'I can't believe that, show me.'

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says..........'HEBREWS'

God may have created man before woman,
but there is always a rough draft before the masterpiece..
1128 of 1953  -   Report This Post