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From the DM.

Sheen to judge Crackhead Idol
07-03-11
WAYWARD heart throb Charlie Sheen will head the judging panel on ITV's Crackhead Idol, in which ordinary drug addicts compete for a $1m Twitter rant deal.The forthcoming series will borrow the format of Pop Idoland is based on the premise that people who are on drugs are compellingly watchable.

Contestants will perform an unhinged, expletive-filled rant accompanied by a lavish series of threatening physical gestures before a live studio audience for two minutes or until they are wrestled to the floor by security guards.

A spokesman said: "Charlie is one of the finest demented minds working today and we're ecstatic to be able to encourage him provided he doesn't actually die on us because that would be sad.

"The panel will probably be just Charlie, and maybe two or three raucous whores, one of whom might have been in a straight-to-video slasher film in the 80s called something like Night Slayer III: The Reckoning."

He added: "It's all about wild, crack-fuelled self expression. Anything goes except throwing faeces and stabbing members of the audience.

"This is your chance to become a folk hero, beloved of students and people whose boring office-based existences make the squalid antics of the wretched seem oddly alluring."

Last night's auditions in Gloucester attracted over 3,000 crackheads, although this number was quickly reduced to 2,872 after a series of bottle fights.

One hopeful, the hotly-tipped 'Welsh Pete', of no fixed address, said: "I've got this frozen joint of lamb, right, you can have it for a tenner. Or it might be a goose.

"Alright, a fiver.

"Wait...I haven't got it any more. Someone's nicked it or something, fuck...fuck."

He added: "Have you got a straight? You have got one, I can tell from your face. Give us it.

"Also, I need 23p for the phone."

To Celadon
Enough is enough
In fact its more than enough
Actually Truly and absolutely
ITS TOO MUCH BY FAR

Two snowmen standing in a field.
One says to the other,
"Do you smell carrots?"

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married.

She was admired for her sweetness and kindness.
One afternoon, the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.


As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cute glass bowl sitting on top of it.
The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom!


When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat.


The pastor tried to stifle his curiousness about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.


'Miss Beatrice', he said, 'I wonder if you would tell me about this?' pointing to the bowl.


'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet, and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter'

A man went to the doctor's with a large strawberry on his face. The doctor said, "Hang on a minute - I can give you some cream for that".


Courtesy of the late Tommy Cooper.

From the passport office:

Dear Sirs,



I'm in the process of renewing my passport, and still cannot believe this. How is it that Sky Television has my address and
telephone number and knows that I bought a bleeding satellite dish from them back in 1977, and yet, the Government is still asking me where I was bloody born and on what date.

For Christ sakes, do you guys do this by hand? My birth date you have on my pension book, and it is on all the income tax forms I've filed for the past 30 years. It is on my National Health card, my driving license, my car insurance, on the last eight damn passports I've had, on all those stupid customs declaration forms I've had to fill out before being allowed off the plane over the last 30 years, and all those insufferable census forms.

Would somebody please take note, once and for all, that my mother's name is Mary Anne, my father's name is Robert and I'd be absolutely astounded if that ever changed between now and when I die!!!!!!
I apologise, I'm really pissed off this morning. Between you an' me, I've had enough of this bullshit! You send the application to my house, then you ask me for my bloody address !!!!

What is going on? Do you have a gang of Neanderthal arseholes workin' there? Look at my damn picture. Do I look like Bin Laden? I don't want to dig up Yasser Arafat, for shit sakes. I just want to go and park my arse on some sandy beach somewhere. And would someone
please tell me, why would you give a shit whether I plan on visiting a farm in the next 15 days? If I ever got the urge to do something weird to a chicken or a goat, believe you me, you'd be the last people I'd want to tell!

Well, I have to go now, 'cause I have to go to the other end of the poxy city to get another copy of my birth certificate, to the
tune of £30. Would it be so complicated to have all the services in the same spot to assist in the issuance of a new passport the same day??

Nooooooooooooo, that'd be too damn easy and maybe makes sense. You'd rather have us running all over the bloody place like chickens with our heads cut off, then have to find some arsehole to confirm that it's
really me on the damn picture - you know, the one where we're not allowed to smile?! (bureaucratic morons) Hey, do you know why we
couldn't smile if we wanted to? Because we're totally pissed off!



Signed



An Irate Citizen.



P.S. Remember what I said above about the picture and getting someone to confirm that it's me? Well, my family has been in this country since 1776 ........ I have served in the military for something over 30 years and have had full security clearances over 25 of those years enabling me to undertake highly secretive missions all over the world.

.........

However, I have to get someone 'important' to verify who I am - you know, someone like my doctor WHO WAS BORN AND RAISED IN
PAKISTAN !

Here's a treat for St Patrick's Day:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HPyl2tOaKxM

Good one Bullfrog - but I thought you might have called yourself "Hastings" on this occasion.

Go on then, Colin -- why Hastings?