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IAIN Duncan Smith has invited the first visitors to the island theme park based on his vision of the perfect society.

The man-made island in the Thames estuary features electric fences, rottweilers and machine gun towers to stop people getting in for free.

The work and pension secretary said: IDS Island is a magical place.

Every morning at 5am all the disabled people go to work with big smiles on their faces. They know to be happy because otherwise we put triangular wheels on their wheelchairs.

Everyone has a proper job like breaking rocks and gluing them back together. Or they can work in the punishment centres for people who refuse to participate in rockfare.

Visitors praised the strong work ethic of IDS Island, although some said the experience was marred by the inescapable smell of roasting meat because 90 percent of the island is fast food outlets.

Tom Logan, a hard-working taxpayer, said: Some aspects did seem a bit pointless. Is dog puncher a real job?

Radical Jeremy Corbyn is actually just an 80s obsessive who wants to change Starbust back to Opal Fruits it has emerged.

Corbyn said People have characterised me as some kind of Marxist but the whole thing with renationalising stuff is just because Im obsessed with the 80s in a fun, kitschy way. You should see my house, its full of old arcade machines.

Any politics is just a vehicle for promoting retro lifestyle. I love Only Fools and Horses I wear deeley-boppers around the house and Im totally mad for unelected union leaders attempting to bring down democratic governments.

Oh and I can get to level 256 on Pac-Man.

Rival Yvette Cooper has responded by condemning outdated 80s revivalism, arguing that only her brand of late 90s revivalism is the future while Liz Kendall said the only good thing to come out of the 1980s was Thatcher.

Newsflash.

Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.

^^^^^^^
That case will run and run!

.......just like this thread!

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.

Newsflash.

Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.

Was he found in the drawing room?

Touche

I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage
Area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
Because she was a trained professional and
Said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me,
'Has your plane arrived yet?'...
(I work with professionals like this.)