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Dear paranoid people who check behind shower curtains for murderers:
If you find one, what's your plan?

FATE has apologised for sleeping on the job and allowing Bono to emerge unscathed from an air accident.
The impersonal force that predetermines events has admitted that the incident in which an aircraft’s rear hatch flew off in mid-air was slated to be the U2 singer’s end, but that it was napping at the time.
Fate said: “Believe me, I know how frustrated everyone feels.
“You have no idea how hard I’ve been trying these last 35 years, but the man seems unkillable.
“He’s too short for snipers, he’s too pious for a drug overdose, and he should have been crushed under the weight of his own ego years ago but somehow it only makes him stronger.
“Unpalatable as it seems, I’m afraid that someone up there appears to be looking after him.”
Following denials from the Almighty, Lucifer admitted having a hand in Bono’s miraculous survival, saying: “I know, I know, but I can’t bear taking him just yet.
“You thought he’d be going to the other place? But how could it be Hell without Bono?”

A PHOTO of Kim Kardashian extending her buttocks has destroyed the very essence of what it is to be human.

The image of the socialite was designed to ‘break the internet’ but has instead forced everyone to admit that humanity is a wasteland and that all is lost.

Jane Thompson, from Stevenage, said: “The attention and resources devoted to this ghastly, dead-eyed, talentless demon makes me feel like the Ancient Mariner, adrift on a slimy sea.

“Because of Kardashian I now see all humans as potential Kardashians. All of them searching for that special way in which they can get something for nothing.

“Yesterday I was warm, loving and intellectually curious. Today I hate everything that has ever existed.

“And don’t forget – anyone who tells you it’s culturally significant is just making it worse.”

"Politics is not a bad profession. If you succeed there are many rewards, if you disgrace yourself you can always write a book." ~ Ronald Reagan

Morbid advice no.1.

If you murder somebody, bury them under a dead dog. Body-sniffing hounds will dig up the dead dog and the police will think it's false positive.

ONE NICE THING ABOUT EGOTISTS: THEY DON'T TALK ABOUT OTHER PEOPLE.

A small business owner was dismayed when a brand new corporate chain much like his own opened up next door and erected a huge sign which read BEST BLACK FRIDAY DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST BLACK FRIDAY PRICES.

The small business owner panicked, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop-it read... MAIN ENTRANCE

HOW DO THEY GET DEER TO CROSS THE ROAD ONLY AT THOSE YELLOW ROAD SIGNS?

The new bride had spent two hours preparing her first breakfast. She sat down at the table, eagerly watching as her husband slowly savored each forkful.

"How was it, honey?" she asked when he'd finished.

"Well," he began thoughtfully, wiping his lips, "you probably could have beaten the eggshells a little longer, but on the whole, it was a good start!"

Re post 1626 - truth is stranger than fiction sometimes.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RFCrJleggrI